Contemplating Badly

I went home today a little bit down and worried about things that had happened these previous days. I am very worried about the unknown which really scared the hell out of me.

Still doesn't feel right about what had happened yesterday at my pre-employment medical exam. I hope my premonitions were all wrong. I just can't shake it off my system until now. You know the feeling when there is an imminent danger coming which really gave a big toll on me and that's how I feel right now. Strange huh!

I hope all my preemptions were wrong. But it was totally inevitable for me to feel this way because I am getting paranoid now especially for not having a hospital job for almost four months now.

I can't really escape the reality and facts to be suspicious because I am really expecting and been wanting this job badly as the right one for me. I know it is odd but I just can't help thinking of the worse.

Judging with what had been transpired yesterday and the reactions of the physician assistant and the employee health physician, I know that there is something bad brewing and coming up. Plus the fact that I was instructed to comeback after a week really can't help me thinking of the worse. It's just a bad dream and a bad wrap for me.

It was really my fault in the first place because of my embarassment and my desire to get the job real bad that I hid my handicap and had removed one of my hearing aid. I panicked extremely and didn't expected that it will haunt me back a hundred times. Now, I am regretting the wrong move and bad decision I've made.

They say that we have to suffer the consequences of our actions. And this had given a big toll on me especially in this kind of situation that I really really need this job extremely bad.

Now I was contemplating badly where I did wrong and if worse comes to worse I have to come up with the right counter measures to face the facts. I am still contemplating on protecting my rights as a handicap and was been reading some good reasonable and related articles about discrimination in the job because of a handicap.

Although there were a lot of mitigating circumstances to consider and reconsider I think if this pre-imminent feeling will happen next week, I think I have to resort to this very drastic decision to find some legal help and advice.

But my fear is that I have no means to prove that they will resort to terminate the contract. In the first place the contract hasn't been transpired yet because I haven't started the job yet but it was already been talked to and agreed verbally. As a matter of fact I already signed some paperworks but no contract signing yet.

I hope the guys would not judge me yesterday and will give me another chance to explain. I am glad I went back to my audiologist yesterday and told her of what had happened and had the other device fixed and adjusted the settings on the computer. Or else I will ask her to witness for me if this will blow up out of proportions.

And I know the audiologist will help me out for this because she knows my plight and she knows what had happened. My biggest fear though is that I hope it will not become publicized and become a big issue. Plus the fact that I don't have enough financial resources to finance the media frenzy.

Aaah well..... if worse comes to worse I have to face the music and accept the verdict in the end. Anyway it is not the end of the world. Things had happened because it has the right reason. And if this job is not meant for me so be it.

It's just frustrating though because I have invested a lot of time to be near the final stage of processing it and with one slight mistake everything will be blown away to nowhere.

Well, life has its ups and downs and that's the way it is. Life would be empty without it. But it just sucks that this happened to me. I hope my gut feelings were wrong, period and with no buts......

I don't want to entertain any upsetting thoughts right now because entertaining them in my mind at this moment will brought havoc to my ego and my pride. I just couldn't swallow anymore embarrassment and inner setbacks. It kills me psychologically and mentally.

Although my prejudices were inevitable about the people behind this I couldn't blame them to be biased at me, and I know that. Each one one us has our own biases and prejudices and vice versa. And that's normal..... but the question is are they in the right position to mandate those biases on me without even giving me the chance to explain my side?

See..... I'm already confuse about this and it even aggravated my frustrated feelings and clouded my confused judgement. I'm already mentally exhausted and felt a slight psychological instability. I just need to rest my mind and think this was just a bad dream.

We'll see next week though. God please help me. I think I really need to stop thinking of the worse but I can't help it because my gut feelings tells me that it's already over. I think I just have to accept this fiasco and face the facts.

Should I gave this up or should I pursue it? That's the question for now. And that remains to be answered, as well.

A Very Elusive Job

Here we go again. I am scared again of losing my chances of working at a very prestigious hospital because of my handicap. I hope my preemptions were wrong. It really scared the crap out of me.

I was scheduled for my physical examination today as part of the pre-employment hiring at Long Beach Memorial Medical Center. At first the examination went fine when suddenly my hearing aids were acting up. I couldn't hear that much on my left ear (probably because my new hearing aid was programmed weak by my audiologist, so I took it off and struggled a lot during the interview by the exmining doctor.

I got the new hearing aid last week and I noticed that something is wrong with how it was programmed. I felt like I was hearing something inside a close container which apparently was due to the pre-programmed set-up by my audiologist.

Well, I didn't know that..... I thought my ear will just adopt to it but today I noticed it was really apparent during the physical examination because I couldn't hear the physician interviewing me during the exam. He also noticed it that I kept repeating him when he asked me questions and I was kind of uncomfortable with the situation because of my situation.

He redirected me for another hearing exam (with and without the hearing aid)and I did not pass both which he recommended me to go back to my audiologist to reprogram the new hearing aids and then advised me to come back next Wednesday for the final pre-employment process.

I was so scared now that it will affect my employment at the hospital and will be tantamount to not getting hired for the position. I was also worried that he will question my ability to assess my patient and interacting with them because of my hearing difficulty. It really freaked me out.

In as much as I needed the job so badly, here we go again. I felt I am doomed and will not get the position. I hope God will help me for this for the last time. I am so bummed out now waiting for me to get absorbed in the Emergency Room at this very prestigious hospital. But if worse comes to worse, I will accept the fact that the job or the position is not really for me.

How come it all happened when I'm so close to the end and close to being absorbed. How come my physical exam didn't even cooperated to help me out get the desired position? And many questions had cropped up in my mind.

I hope next week when I come back everything will be okay and I will be cleared physically and medically. I hope things will be re-considered and that the doctors will be kind enough to give me a second chance.

Time is of the essence here. I've been waiting since April to find another hospital job and now that I am nearing to getting absorbed this... everything ran out of hand. Why God? Why me?

Well, I am a firm believer that if things is not meant to be then it's not meant to be. I know God has a lot of things prepared for me so I hope if this job is for me then I will get it with no obstacles on the way. I know there's always the right reasons why it all happened to me.

I am also thinking that may be I was just tested as to where I am so I hope I won't give up on this journey which I've started four months ago. I hope I won't give up now that I am near the end of the journey. I just wanted to be optimistic about this and I hope my feelings were wrong.

I hate myself for making such a bad move of taking off one of my hearing aids and pretending that I can hear the examining doctor. I hope I was honest enough to tell them about my handicap. I got scared and embarrassed earlier.

But nevertheless, there is another chance for me next week to prove myself. I hope they will give me another chance and I hope God will be with me.

No matter what will happen I know God will not leave me and I know he planned everything for me. Whatever outcome will happen I will accept it and start all over again. Let's hope for the best though, fingers crossed.

Hope it's not another fiasco..... or else I will demand my rights as a handicap. You know what I mean. Hope will not come to this part though. And I'm serious about this now. We'll see though.....

Bum

Every time I drove home from my clinicals from Marlinda Care Center in Lynwood I drove on the busy Freeway of 110 north going to downtown Los Angeles.

I kind of stray myself away from the congested traffic by taking the Adam Avenue exit going south and make a left on Grand Avenue. Treading my way towards Olive Street making a sharp left passing under Freeway 10 going west on the right to yield into the freeway where there's a corner there right on Grand Avenue where I saw this bum standing so sad and depressed.

He looks so apathetic and murmuring something like he was praying. He looks to pitiful and haggard. He was holding this cardboard paper with a caption saying, "Hungry.... needs help. Food is much appreciated." That caption was very catchy to me.

I seldom saw a bum on the streets of Los Angeles asking for food. Most of them were asking for money in form of a change or bills. As what I've heard of, these bums like to ask monetary pledges to support their vices like drugs and alcohol. And some of them appears healthy and can able to find a job. Technically, most of them are just lazy to find one and just wants to beg on the streets to support their vices.

There were stories I've heard that some of them beg because they just wanted to not make Uncle Sam rich. Or indirectly just wanted to usurp money from Uncle Sam. They just wanted to enjoy the people's tax, just like I said earlier, to support their vices.

Some were just plainly homeless because of some various reasons like undocumented immigrants, plainly crazy and mentally deranged, people who have no luck in finding job, people who have no family, or some running away from them, or people affected by the foreclosures and had reached rock bottom, etc.

I also heard some stories that some of them were rich and were just pretending to be bums because they just don't want to pay taxes. And many more stories that had weaved the totality of their existence on the streets of Los Angeles, not just Los Angeles but the whole world as well.

There were a lot of bums living on the streets of Los Angeles and other parts of the county of Los Angeles. Some of them I can find on the east district of the downtown living in tents and were hitting drugs, drinking alcohol, and gambling on the streets.

Any cities and places around the world has bums and each of them has a testimony to show and impart to us. Their stories are very interesting to know and I am glad to know some of them.

But this guy I've seen at the corner of Grand Avenue with that cardboard on hand asking for food really surprised and intrigued me and even made me wonder why he's asking for food and not for money.

In my curiousness I unconsciously parked my car at the nearby corner and walked towards this guy. It was a courage to have come up to him and asked him of his plight not knowing the consequences of my actions. In my mind I was kind of nervous because I don't know what's the mentality of this guy.

At the back of mind something was playing like, he might hurt me or stab me with a knife and killed me there leaving me lifeless on the street or berate me with degrading words right there and then because of coming up to him or beat me up and leaving me all bruised up on the street and many more inevitable imaginations and situations flashing behind my mind.

My curiousity has tickled me to go down my car and come up to this guy begging for food and not for money. So I mustered myself and walked towards him slowly and politely. I smiled at him initially while I walked towards him and he smiled back at me telling me that he was quite receptive to my being friendly and polite.

I said hi to him and introduced my name and he did the same. In my assessment he was a very decent empathetic guy with good communication skills and very fluent on his speech. He dressed up so damp and dusty all in black because probably of being on the streets all the time.

We talked very cordially and I asked him why he is asking for food instead of money and he told me that he was very hungry and just wanted to eat at that time. He was homeless and had came all the way from the east coast and was just trying his luck to start a career in acting but luck has turned towards his back that's why he indeed up on the streets.

I asked him about his family's whereabouts and he told me that he was ashamed to go back at his hometown because of his bitter fate here in Los Angeles and just decided to live on the streets. I told him not to lose faith and just to continue praying and hope for the best to come.

He told me he is a religious man and been praying all the time, too. And there I know that God had given me the sign and reason to go down my car and come up to this guy. Here is this guy that had accepted the facts of his fate and is willing to face the realities of his bad decisions and now was trying to pick up some pieces of his self.

I gave him a twenty dollar bill (which he was so thankful and grateful) and told him to ask help from any agencies to help him find a decent job. At least he is in downtown area and there were a lot of offices nearby to help him. I gave him some calling cards to call to for help from my collection of friends who works in social services and wished him good luck.

Whatever will come up during and after that conversation I hope this guy will be treaded on the right path. I can see the sincerety from his heart that he is willing to change his fate. I know God will not leave this kind of people behind and He will help him at the right time.

It was just heartbreaking to see and know that sometimes they needed to endure this bitter experiences. I know God is not sleeping and cruel and I know that this guy can do better rather than begging on the streets.

I know that my coming up to him has a reason and I hope it had made or played a major impact on him because it really touched me from within.

From the looks of his teary blue eyes I can see remorse, guilt feelings, sincerety, honesty, and some resentments. I don't know what he had experienced from the past but I know that guy had been in a bad rap and had some heavy burdens on his back.

I just hope and pray that he will be treaded by God on the right path and I hope he will survive what he had experienced right now. God be with him and bless him. Thank you Lord.

The Consequence

Sometimes life is getting so monotonous. It's so challenging sometimes to put a happy face despite of the fact that everything seems to put pressure on me. Boredom seems to consume me all the time and render me to fed up with the opportunities that life had offered me.

Considering the chances that had come my way I can say that I may be counted to be fortunate compared to the people who are always struggling to survive life. But what really provoked me to gave up was the reality brought by loneliness and this is the one that had killed my hopes to survive life.

I've been living in the United States for almost sixteen years and for all those years I still consider myself lucky. With the everyday routines I've been doing for all those years the one that really paid a huge toll on myself is being far from my family.

Living here made me missed to witness my father's, granny's, and nanny's passing away. It had gave me not fill up the emptiness I felt for those loved ones I've missed until their last days here on earth. It was the big sacrifice I've gambled upon deciding to live far away from them.

I missed the precious growing up of my nephews and nieces. I missed guiding them on their delicate growing up. It was already too late to dawdle on my selfish decisions to live away from them and that's the one I personally regret.

Living alone here in the States had made me to be independent but unhappy. Yes, I can say I have all the luxury in my life but deep inside I have a bleeding heart and soul because of my being far from my love ones.

I feel that I am the testimony of a very unsatisfied and lonely person despite of my achievements and success. I am not very happy with where I am now. I am lonely and I am so sick of it already.

There's no day in my life that I wished to go back to my hometown and live a simple life where I used to have. I just like to go back to a life with no worries and qualms. Even though I am poor there yet I don't have to immerse myself in a stressful environment which can fast track my life to death.

I just don't know what to do now. I have a current dilemma which I cannot put here in my blog. May be there will be time that I can muster myself to honestly accept the situation I have now and reveal it to all my love ones with much courage and no guilt feelings.

Of course I really feel guilty for being so carefree and selfish. But it's too late now to blame myself for it. It had happened already and all I have to do is to accept the fact that life has to go on.

All I have to do is to learn from it and make ammends to myself that I have to make my life more meaningful and fulfilling. I resented all those wrong decisions I had made but I felt it seems too late now to do it but to just accept the fact that I had lived and survived the consequences of that dilemma.

I don't have the courage to be honest to my love ones and this will have to remain as my deepest secret to myself although there were few people I trusted and squeeled my dark secrets.

I was once dipped in hot waters before and I successfully evaded all the finger pointing yet I still prayed that it won't surface out again in the near future and it will be my bad nightmare. Please help me God.

So much for dwelling on this big mistake and hopefully life will be as smooth as before. I am happy to tell you all that nobody had been hurt with this mistakes I've made but myself alone was the victim of it. Although I will hurt some of my love ones once the dreaded time will happen yet rest assured I did my best to at least eased up their struggling conditions.

I really don't like to reveal it here but I hope this will serve as a hint to my love ones once I am gone in this world. Life is not really a convenience to me but a struggle and survival everyday.

In as much as I am competing with time to make it worthwhile still I have loneliness as the culprit to steal it away from. Hmmmm.... I hope I won't give up to the very end.

Afternoon Delight

It was a sunny and humid day today. I got out of my clinical site class a little bit tired and was looking forward to an afternoon full of promises.
Hmmm.... wondering what to do later on.

I drove for a little less than forty minutes from Long Beach to West Hollywood where I am residing. The traffic at Freeway 405 north going to Freeway 10 east was a little congested so I decided to take the La Cienega Blvd. alternate and made a shortcut at Fairfax Avenue.

It was scorchingly hot today. I was listening to the cool music at the blaring radio inside my car with a full blast air con on. I was a little agitated by the early afternoon traffic and I can't wait to get home right away. I can't help yawning while driving on this worst Los Angeles afternoon traffic. That's how tired I am during that time.

I got home in a little less than one hour and found my landlord and his boyfriend soaking up romantically in the pool trying to cool themselves from the humid and hot weather. It was really a hot day today. My sweat was been trickling down slowly at my already hot red face.

Upon entering my pad I immediately stripped off my dirty scrubs and turned on the electric fans and hurriedly laid a little bit on my soft bed and feel the cool breeze emanating from the roving stand fans.

I tried to close my eyes for a while and woke up after thirty minutes preparing myself to leave the apartment and endure more of the hot weather outside.

I remember I had scheduled myself for my mid-year dental exam and I cannot afford to miss it again because it's hard to have it re-scheduled. It will take about three months to get another schedule so I have no choice but to go out there and face the hot day. How unfortunate!

After the examination which lasted for an a little more than an hour, I decided to get myself a little treat to at least cool off myself from this nagging humidity and hot weather.

I decided to pass by Yogurtland in Sunset Blvd. near my house and ordered a large container of their original yogurt which is more healthy compared to the ice cream. I decided to fill up the container with a taro yogurt which I think taste great and good.

It was really a treat because the taste was extremely superb and not that unforgettable. I just can't describe how many times I exclaimed and murmured how delicious it was. I even topped it with some kiwi and strawbeery slices which added a little bit of a healthy zing to it. What a real treat really!

At least my afternoon that time wasn't put to waste complaining about the hot weather but I had a great chance for a healthy treat right beside me. It was really a delight to have treated myself like that on this super hot afternoon.

Just like the famous song "Afternoon Delight", by the Starland Vocal Band in the 70's, I used to listen when I was in college saying that, "When everything's clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is gonna be there anyway. Thinkin' of you's working up my appetite. Looking forward to an afternoon delight. Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight."

This reminds me that I have to at least enjoy some tasty treats because time flies by so fast and I can't go back to that unforgettable afternoon that had passed, to enjoy some fun.

So right there and then I have to make a small move to enjoy the day even though it was very hot...... and made myself pleased in a way that diverts myself away from the afternoon's dilemma. At least it was really a delight to me and it had really made me very happy that time. That was just my shallow satisfaction and indulgence. Hehehe.

And for me, treating myself with a delicious yogurt at least eased up my pangs of irkness against the hot and humid weather. Thank God I did it anyway and followed my little and demanding craving. And at the same time had some good treat and a delightful afternoon. Yay!

I have no regrets doing it anyway. It was a self-fulfilling move and if given another chance I will do it again and again and again. I love yogurts and it's an apt cure for this finicky summer temperatures. Hahaha!

The Guard

The night has a world of its own. It existed when the sun is gone. Things had happened beyond the light of day. The night is my domain between six and ten.

The guardhouse is my tiny domain – it consists of a narrow wooden door, a petite glass window, a thin galvanized roof, a cold concrete floor, and the four plastered hardwood walls. It even became narrower with the things inside it – a tiny plastic table, the rugged logbook, my secondhand service revolver, and my small portable radio…… eerie loneliness, unflinching boredom, and a string of unexpected and multitude of emotions…..

Myself – and my twenty-four years of existence….. my impulsive failures, inspiring successes, and unperturbed-learned-wisdom I picked up along the way…… the unforgettable memories of the places I’ve been to…. loving and approachable friends and people I’ve met along the way, surrounds me, and come to know….. my previous and present relationships that had inspired me.

As one gets older, he grows wiser in a nurturing relationship. I’ve discovered myriad of new insights in my every passing relationship. I’ve always learned and picked-up my hard-earned lessons from it. I now know the reason why and when I stumbled, when and where I rose from the ashes, and when not to commit the same bad mistakes again.

Boiling emotions are hard to manage and control especially when one is in a challenge in a relationship. Like the relationship itself, uncontrolled emotions suddenly sprout and come alive. Then suddenly will vanish and fade away without any hint at all. Sometimes jealousy charges forward and withdraws backward. Sudden anger will erupt and then gradually die down. A loving, respectful, and loyal relationship will grow eventually. And then it will begin to slowly wither, dry up, fade out until it will be gone forever.

Yet these uncontrolled and aggressive emotions are not that difficult to handle. Each one has the freedom and autonomy to guard his involuntary emotions. We have the armaments and the facilities to fend off our growing and nagging negative feelings. Sudden burst of anger can be managed, controlled, and suppressed. Superficial jealousy can be killed and abated. A treasured relationship can be saved and nurtured so that it can breathe every moment of peace and comfort.

Man by nature is always weak. Outbursts of feelings and emotions were often overtaken by the unfolding needs to be loved….. they always grew weak and got carried away and eventually gets defeated. Each person has his own weaknesses and weaknesses are there to always test our strengths. We’ll never know the answers until we pursue them.

We do things because we want to know the truth. We only have ourselves to make the right choices. Our self praises itself for the good things we’ve done is not enough. And sometimes our self will blame itself for our failures. On the other hand our self can only guard and protect itself.

Reckoning the Day Before

Yesterday was very hectic for me. I forgot it was my mom's first death anniversary but I tried to celebrate it in a simple way with my close friends.

I started the day with my driving lessons. I started to learn how to drive a manual car. I didn't even realized that driving a stick shift was very hard. Unlike the automatic cars I've been driving.

There were three pedals to step on compared to the two pedals for the automatic cars. I find it so awkward at first to step on the clutch. I always forgot to step on it really hard and also gassing up after a stop so it ended up stalling the engine. I did that several times until it had fixed into my head to always gas up before releasing the clutch gradually.

My other mistake was shifting down to lower gear when slowing down at the stop sign and always putting the gear back to gear one. Then the next one was after accelerating especially shifting the gears to a higher gear and then gassing up or accelerating slowly. It was totally confusing at first.

The first few times was kind of crappy but eventually I kind of picked it up from there. Now, I felt I had an idea already about it and had felt and experienced how to drive a manual car or a stick shift car.

I still have one session next week and hopefully I will be a little better compared to my first experience today. It will take a little more practice for me then hopefully I can manage to drive it on a busy street although today I had a feel of driving it on a crowded street. I was so nervous but luckily I did good.

At 1:30 pm I had my French class. My teacher was very patient in teaching me the numbers today which I find very tongue twisting and very hard. We had reviewed some of the basic greetings and questions and also the name of the months and the days of the week.

Our main topic today was about the verbs "to be" and "to have" which is more confusing to me. I am always confused about what's the singular and the plural pronouns in French and conjugating them correctly with the verbs.

It was a slow process but at least I had an idea already. Good thing Omar was very patient in helping me for this. Even the speech was very hard for me although I kind of trying myself to imitate and follow my instructor which was very helpful to me.

French is really a hard language to learn but hopefully my purpose to learn it will be realized eventually even though I took the process very slowly. They say it's okay to be slow but at least I am sure I am learning everything from it.

In the afternoon, I was supposed to have a date with my former students from Homestead at Sprinkles Cupcake Bakery but apparently it wasn't pushed through because Roselle had to cancel and attend to something very important so we decided to postpone it next Saturday.

I decided to pass by the church instead to offer some prayers for my mom to commemorate her first death anniversary. I remember my very sad moments last year with her in the hospital during this very times.

I then called Kuya George and Kuya Robert to prepare and get ready because I will pick them up for a little eating-out dinner. I decided to also surprise Kuya George tonight for his advance birthday celebration.

I passed by the Paris Baguette Bakery and bought a cappucino cake for Kuya George to blow the candle later and bought a bottle of chardonay. I then headed to pick up the two after that at Kuya George's place.

We then went to Thai BBQ Restaurant which we always frequented. I secretly instructed the waiter about my surprise plans and he agreed. The dinner was good and we were so full after that. Then I signalled the waiter to bring the cake in and Kuya George was really surprised about the gesture which almost renderred him to burst into tears but he held it up. That was very touching!

We then took some pictures of the blowing of the candle and the slicing of the cake. That was a very good impromptu party and getting together with my close friends to commemorate my mom's first death anniversary and at the same time celebrating Kuya George's advance birthday celebration which supposed to be on Tuesday, July 13th.

The night was already late so I then dropped the two at Kuya George's apartment then I went home straight ahead because I had to go to bed erly because I have a clinical work tomorrow.

So far the day was full of a lot of loaded activities and was very hectic yet still it was very fun, especially the dinner with my close friends. Another day full of magical and historical moments had passed and yet an unforgettable ones.

The Deliverer and the Customer

Like a mirage, the scenes rush past through you in a blur. You’re plunged into an endless and tiring race, aiming to get ahead of everyone. You think of nothing but to get there soon and on time.

People say life has many sides and faces. You can get a job like mine and you’ll get a picture of another facet of life. There’s an origin and at the same time a destination. You always fall in between, viciously jostling and determined in pushing your way to get to your primary objectives and destination.

The road will be bumpy as the odds grow thin. In every street corner were various ordeals you will have to hurdle. It is not that easy. The going really gets rough and tough. It’s the survival for the fittest.

To live in this world is to struggle. In life, no one wants to lag behind and be left off. Alertness is your collateral and being keen is always the name of the game. But in a delivery man’s lists you are always at the bottom and the customer is always on top. The ones you’ll gonna satisfy…. the ones who have the immediate needs…… with whom you will serve…… and with whom you deliver the best services.

You think there are only two kinds of people: the ones who graciously deliver and the ones who willingly accepts and receives the goods. You’re a humble gofer now, but as the days will come by you’ll eventually be the master…. the ones to be served and respected with utmost admiration.

That’s the way life is…… the many faces of life. There will be highs and lows. It will take all sorts of customers to interact to. You must get used to them all the time. And sometimes you’ll get new surprises. It’s nice to guess who and what will it be and what type of door will you graciously open and totally shut.

There are times that you’re already there, and luck and opportunities were within grasp. Yet they seem so remote and distant sometimes. So you’d want to go faster and make a stand for yourself. It isn’t too hard to get where you wanted to be. All it takes are you’re will and ingenuity as well as being God fearing.

You must always be ready to put up with any customer or anybody. Have and acquire the talent to see pass through them. Study and understand the way he stares at you, the pitch of his voice, even the scent he wears because they have a message to tell you and decode.

You must know how to interpret every gesture professionally and adroitly. You must know how to “read” the customer movements, behavior, and thinking. You must know how to tell the customer your varied reasons when you’re in a position to tell what happened to the people involved and why.

The customer mustn’t become wary or afraid of you. You won’t pose any threat to them. Actually, you must know how to please him or them. And you must wittingly learn the name of the game.

In the very end, you would fulfill, know, and understand the customer’s heart’s desire and also your very important obligation to them. You must bring to them the fulfillment of their primary needs so that they will be inspired to learn about our jobs.

In the highs and lows of life, it couldn’t be denied that tomorrow I will be treated as a very important customer. I will be considered a very precious gem that needed to be treasured and polished. And I’ll wait for the right delivery man who will fulfill my own selfish heart’s desire.

Imaginary Bedroom

It’s only now that I have noticed the flowers in the garden are in bloom again, a fragrant reminder of my humble beginnings.

My bedroom is like a scented garden where my being emanates and begins. In the morning it is where my life starts. Inspired by the different events of the day, it is where I always bloom; nourish my being, my goals, and my dreams. Yet, there is a room with no limits…. no restrictions…. a world where colorful chapters of life come alive.

Here, anyone can fly and try all possibilities and opportunities. Here, anyone can face the hidden facets of life and find the true meaning of happiness. There, every dream is fulfilled. A world of fulfillment is always within my grasp.

In that world, freedom is absolute. One can independently cross the threshold of life and close the doors without questions. Out there, no one tells you how to survive. Happiness is infinite. There is no end, there are no rules. Nature sets its course.

Life is an endless search for happiness. It is here where I found the happiness that always slips away from my grasps. In here, I am a God….. No aim is ever elusive. Every dream is fulfilled. There are no expectations that cannot find an answer.

Every second is a step in a perfumed garden…. leading to an endless bliss. In here, I am who I really am. My true color is all exposed. Rose is the color of my whole being. It is who I am.

Even if my dreams are fulfilled only in my mind, that happiness is forever cherished and treasured as they might not come true at all and will slip again from my grasps.

Mind Games

The game had told me what I am…. and who I am. I’ve known basketball since I was a kid. By heart, I’ve known how to play the rules of the game.

It’s supposed to be a team game but I’ve never been a part of the team, neither have I played in a tournament. I never knew the reason why. Perhaps it’s how you look at the game. It’s got to do with feelings, like how life is being played.

Out there in the court, every move is being judged. You’re okay if you shoot a goal, a bad shot when you don’t make one. You’re lucky if you are awarded with a free throw or feel shitty when you’ve earned a foul.

The feeling gets heady when the ball is up in the air for seconds just before it comes down to the ground. The question is, where am I going to fall this time? Is it inside or outside the court? I have no idea at all.

What I know is, like the ball suspended long in the air, I’ve seek some answers to some questions. Where will I find myself this time? Is it inside or outside the court? Am I a part of the team? Or a one-man-player?

I’ve watched several games at the neighborhood court every time after school. I’ve observed the players’ every moves and stance – how they heckle at one another, swap jokes at each other, and even when devour their snacks.

Last Friday at the tournament, I decided to prove something to myself. I went with them, like I was a part of the team. It doesn’t matter where and how I joined them. It was enough I was with them. There were a number of them, but they acted as one, doing the same things at the same time, and rather almost at the same time. I said to myself, it was just fine to play like a one-man-team.

In every person’s life, time comes you will discover the truth about yourself. And it all depends on whether you accept it or not. This is the time when the ball bounces back on the ground from the air, and you’ll suddenly realize who you really and truly are.

Words will even get elusive when you admit to something but you’ll realize there’s not much choice to select. Even denials are out of the question. There’s no escape at all. The truth will prevail and will set you free.

I’d like to believe that player who took part with my coming out won’t deny what had happened because honestly he was very instrumental why my true self had gradually and eventually emerged. To tell you the truth, he really brought out the soul in me.

Somebody can hit me with a “Foul!” for telling you this, but this is the real truth. Actually, we each hardly differ except for the fact that he’s part of the team and I am not.

Driver and Passenger

On the road each day, the pieces of life silently and continuously roll and flow before me. They flicker like neon lights at night full of nagging expectations and unfulfilled promises.

Behind the wheels for so many years I find life as a fascinating journey. Every journey has a destination, a termination, and a culmination.... an end of the rainbow.

These journeys may be long and boring... fast and short..... straight, zigzagged, and clueless. There were unexpected stopovers.... pauses to catch one's breath.... or to collect one's confused thoughts. Or sometimes catch a glimpse of another life so different from someone's imagination.

At the inner core of each journey being taken there is an unconditional love. Like a gasoline, a fuel, or an oil; it propeled the feelings and life forward and to an unimaginable heights.

Love is nothing new to me. It had enslaved me once. I fell in love with someone, and he with me, that's what I thought. We started out so willingly and full of expectations and dreamt big together on the same journey.

But he got off along the way, took another ride and route. I was devastated and felt like I was ran over by a huge truck. It was nothing like I've ever felt before. Then suddenly, a crossroad loomed before me. And I didn't know which path to take. I was confused and felt so numbed instantly.

With life's very hectic traffic, no one can stop the red light from turning green. It signaled to me that I have to move on and face the realities of life. Life will have to continue and has to go on. It is fluid and flows like an infinite river.

I then realized there were other passengers waiting to be picked up and ferried to the end of the rainbow. To the places they wanted to go and to the directions they wanted to tread and follow.

If love is the journey's soul then I realized that the passengers are the air it breathes. They gave color and meaning to every journey and remind us of what life really is. It takes all sorts of passengers to paint life. Some will board light, others are like some heavy burdens.

He was a guy I picked up near a university..... light as a feather... but he sat down right beside me like a heavy baggage. I know at once that we were on the same boat. I knew the kind of pain.... it was mystifying and intriguing.... like getting on board on an unfamiliar vehicle. I was no longer a driver but a passenger.... he opened up the door for me and I willingly got in.

It was something that had occured to me - until I felt his touch on my skin. It was like a very potent drug..... a strange feeling that I couldn't fathom. I felt so warm inside and was full of needs and wants.

I saw the opportunity to ease my hurt and pain as he drove me towards the path not yet taken. It was actually my chance to escape from my irks and qualms against life that was roiling and boiling inside me. I almost exploded.... like a bomb.

Looking back, I now saw the possibilities and opportunities of a single journey that's needed to be shared...... of the answers to my unending questions......just like some fragments of life I saw on the road each day that had taken shape and eventually become part of the whole.

I can see the totality of the road clearly and vividly again and I can now understand the rigors of life. I now learned how to love unconditionally.... and markedly failed.... and ready to love again willingly.

It was a struggle at first but I shook it over. It feels good inside me and I actually liked it. I was imbibed and soaked by the lure of it. It feels awesome and inspiring. I won't look back again to where I was before because I don't want to get hurt and feel the numbing pain again and again.

But they say, all journeys has to end..... and all passengers has to get off... and moves along with the endless flow of life. But sometimes, they often left something behind..... or may be intentionally left something inside the vehicle.

The memory of their presence, their personality, their bitter experiences, as well as their happy thoughts. The answers to a long and unanswered questions which is the reason to reminisce and look back, and look forward, and accept the change and the challenge.

It's hard to think about it but who knows on the next trip you can meet again the same old passenger that gave you a once in a lifetime, memorable, and unforgettable experience.

It is a one in a million circumstance that some other day the odds or the chances of picking up the same passenger will happen..... who knows it will become true!

Trance

Well, it seems that I feel so numb lately. I was so down and depress again. As if I am in an unexplanable trance.

A trance can be defined as a half-conscious state, seemingly between sleeping and waking, in which the ability to function voluntarily may be suspended or impeded.

It is also meant as a dazed or bewildered condition. It is an unconscious, cataleptic, or hypnotic condition. Or may be meant as to stupefy or enrapture.

I myself may be likened it to a state of complete mental absorption or deep musing wherein I am aware of my surroundings but I am not there. As if I am physically there but my mind is wandering somewhere.

Today, I felt like I'm in a deep trance. I was thinking deeply but the way I think is not very productive. I was just lying on my soft bed staring at the ceiling blankly and was listening to the lulling and blurring sound of the television.

I was just in a state of total confusion and rigid stupefaction that I don't know what was happening around me but I know I am aware of myself being there. I tried to leave the house and watched a movie to amuse myself but I couldn't even absorb the gist of the movie I am watching. It was really odd!

I was driving my car on the road without even knowing where to go. I've been driving endlessly without any direction and I just kept on driving until I got tired and my mind was reeling. I felt so void and empty inside I couldn't even explain it.

Something was bothering me lately but I don't know what it was. I was just thinking of a lot of things that I forgot what was really keeping me off guard. I just don't know how to start on everything I do. I was so vaguely confused and enormously pointless.

I think I am both psychologically and emotionally unstable. But I don't think I needed some professional help. All I feel is that I needed somebody to talk with to help me vent out what's really bothering me.

It seems I am trying to bottle up this pent-up emotions and I am taking and sucking it in, deeply thinking that I can handle this circumstances alone. I don't know how I feel, it never occured to me that I almost had to burst into tears because of all the numbness I felt inside.

So many things had cropped up inside my brain and I don't even know what to handle first. All I feel is that I am all alone carrying my own cross and nothing and nobody can help me out away from it.

I am so vulnerable that I almost broke down but I am holding it to myself because I am kind of embarrassed to bow down on my own weaknesses and fall outs. I felt I am a total loser and that the whole world had just turned its back on me.

Yes, that's how I personally feel right now. I felt so confused, pointless, numb, tired, objectiveless, and has no definite direction. I felt I am in a vulnerable trancelike condition and was exceedingly overwhelmed about the challenges of this world.

What's the point of dawdling when I couldn't even identify what else to tackle first and foremost. It is very challenging to be in such an awkward-and-mind-boggling position. Hopefully, the odds were, I will know where my directions were in the end, fingers crossed.

Life indeed is very confusing and I myself have tasted the likes of it. May be not just me but you too. Hopefully not!

I'm So Tired

I had a clinical this morning at Long Beach Memorial Care Center with Batch 12-B and I had oriented them at the facility for this was their first day at the nursing care center.

The facility was very nice compared to some of the nursing homes I was sent to have a clinical exposure. It was a circular building with three stations. And there were also a lot of diverse patients I noticed. The interior was also ultra modern and it looks so clean.

They really like working there and are willing to learn a lot. Since it was their first I partnered them with the CNA so that they can interact with patient. Then I gathered them after they did some ADLs and discussed with them their expectations for this rotation.

Since it was their first day of orientation I gave them some assignments and send them home early. They were supposed to meet with the staff coordinator but since it's still a holiday they were not able to meet her because she hasn't reported today.

After I dismissed the students early I went to school to make more paperworks for the other group Batch 12-A for their orientation tomorrow. I finished making my orientation packets after two hours. I was so tired now.

I went home after that. Good thing there was no traffic. It was still a long weekend holiday today because July 4th falls on a Sunday so they made Monday as a no office day also.

When I got home I decided to call Kuya George and told him that I was planning to watch "Eclipse" tonight. I laid down on my bed and took a nap but apparently I didn't know that I slept all the way. When I woke up at 1 am I noticed I have four messages from Kuya George and two messages form my registry company.

I realized I slept so long and had missed the movies. Kuya George was been worried I hadn't called him back because I had told him we have a movie date. It's too late for me to call him because I know he must be sleeping right now.

Hopefully, tomorrow we can watch it because I am off tomorrow. I have to go back to sleep again because I am so exhausted from the days job. And I have a clinical in the morning orienting Batch 12-A at Long Beach Care Center again.

Time to hit the sack at 4 am after chatting with a newfound friend from Facebook. I'm so tired now! Bonne nuit messiurs.

July 4th Celebration

One day before the holiday I was invited by Lashun, one of my students from Batch 12 to a party celebration at Carriage Park in Carson in commemoration of the yearly 4th of July celebration.

Her family and classmates were also invited and it will be a very big party at the park with games and a lot of conversations, meeting everybody to have a lot of fun as well as eating barbecue and burgers and hotdogs. It will be a big celebration with all her family and classmates.

I first picked up Ms. Doris, one of my co-instructor, at her house after my French class then we headed to the park after that. It was already almost 4 pm at that time. The party had started at 12 noon and almost all of Batch 12 had been there. There were few people we saw when we arrived but still there were a lot of people around.

We were then offered a plate to grab some foods then we met Lashun's family and then chit-chatted with them for a while then after that I sat down near the Batch 12's table and then talked to some of them.

After we ate, some of the students and the children were playing baseball and also were chasing each other with water guns. The sun was still out during that afternoon but it was not that hot anymore.

Me and Doris left the park after an hour and a half then headed to the moviehouse to watch "Knight and Day" which starred Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. The movie was very funny and full of action. It was very nice to see Tom Cruise acting again. It wasn't bad at all. Me and Ms. Doris liked it so much.

We went home at almost midnight and I got tired of the whole day activities. I am glad I was off yesterday to get together with the student's and Ms. Doris. It was a very fun day yesterday!
*****

Today on July 4th I was planning to have a manicure and pedicure as well as was planning to wax my eyebrows but apparently the Vietnamese Salon I frequented to all the time was close maybe because of the holiday.

I decided to call Kuya George which was apparently at Beverly Hills Mall buying something. I told him to meet me at The Grove outdoor mall at Pampas Grill for lunch then we will be watching a movie after that.

We watched "The Last Airbender" in 3D which we liked a lot. It was really a nice movie full of special effects and action. It was an amazing movie, too!

After watching the movie I decided to bring Kuya George at Redondo Beach Pier to treat him for his incoming birthday. I decided to treat him at the best seafood restaurant in town at the pier because I feel that I couldn't see him next week during his birthday because I felt that I have a lot of things to be done next week so I decided to treat him early.

The people started to thicken at the beach to watch for the fireworks tonight for the July 4th celebration and the pier was so crowded already.

Kuya George did enjoyed the seafood that we ordered and so far it was the very best that we ever tasted together. After we ate we strolled at the beach for a while. It was already getting dark and the sea breeze was so nippy so we decided to go home.

The day was very good and we enjoyed it a lot together. I am glad I had met Kuya George today and celebrated his birthday in advance. It was a very fun day, just like the one yesterday.

Happy 4th of July guys! Hope this day will also be fun to all of you. It's time to be out there and spent time with your families over barbecue and beer.

Drink moderately and be responsible. Enjoy the fireworks, too!