The Consequence

Sometimes life is getting so monotonous. It's so challenging sometimes to put a happy face despite of the fact that everything seems to put pressure on me. Boredom seems to consume me all the time and render me to fed up with the opportunities that life had offered me.

Considering the chances that had come my way I can say that I may be counted to be fortunate compared to the people who are always struggling to survive life. But what really provoked me to gave up was the reality brought by loneliness and this is the one that had killed my hopes to survive life.

I've been living in the United States for almost sixteen years and for all those years I still consider myself lucky. With the everyday routines I've been doing for all those years the one that really paid a huge toll on myself is being far from my family.

Living here made me missed to witness my father's, granny's, and nanny's passing away. It had gave me not fill up the emptiness I felt for those loved ones I've missed until their last days here on earth. It was the big sacrifice I've gambled upon deciding to live far away from them.

I missed the precious growing up of my nephews and nieces. I missed guiding them on their delicate growing up. It was already too late to dawdle on my selfish decisions to live away from them and that's the one I personally regret.

Living alone here in the States had made me to be independent but unhappy. Yes, I can say I have all the luxury in my life but deep inside I have a bleeding heart and soul because of my being far from my love ones.

I feel that I am the testimony of a very unsatisfied and lonely person despite of my achievements and success. I am not very happy with where I am now. I am lonely and I am so sick of it already.

There's no day in my life that I wished to go back to my hometown and live a simple life where I used to have. I just like to go back to a life with no worries and qualms. Even though I am poor there yet I don't have to immerse myself in a stressful environment which can fast track my life to death.

I just don't know what to do now. I have a current dilemma which I cannot put here in my blog. May be there will be time that I can muster myself to honestly accept the situation I have now and reveal it to all my love ones with much courage and no guilt feelings.

Of course I really feel guilty for being so carefree and selfish. But it's too late now to blame myself for it. It had happened already and all I have to do is to accept the fact that life has to go on.

All I have to do is to learn from it and make ammends to myself that I have to make my life more meaningful and fulfilling. I resented all those wrong decisions I had made but I felt it seems too late now to do it but to just accept the fact that I had lived and survived the consequences of that dilemma.

I don't have the courage to be honest to my love ones and this will have to remain as my deepest secret to myself although there were few people I trusted and squeeled my dark secrets.

I was once dipped in hot waters before and I successfully evaded all the finger pointing yet I still prayed that it won't surface out again in the near future and it will be my bad nightmare. Please help me God.

So much for dwelling on this big mistake and hopefully life will be as smooth as before. I am happy to tell you all that nobody had been hurt with this mistakes I've made but myself alone was the victim of it. Although I will hurt some of my love ones once the dreaded time will happen yet rest assured I did my best to at least eased up their struggling conditions.

I really don't like to reveal it here but I hope this will serve as a hint to my love ones once I am gone in this world. Life is not really a convenience to me but a struggle and survival everyday.

In as much as I am competing with time to make it worthwhile still I have loneliness as the culprit to steal it away from. Hmmmm.... I hope I won't give up to the very end.