Thanksgiving 2010

So far, my life lately was been at a struggle and full of drama. I never imagined I can passed through it but so far life is fair. I wish I could still up the forte to a more satisfying level.

Well, Thanksgiving Day is just around the corner. Time for me to count my blessings. This year was kind of a lonely one for me despite of the massive problems and worries that had happened these past months. I thank God for all of those things that had happened lately and it's time to immerse myself in the spirit of the celebration.

There's nothing much happened this Thanksgiving day for me. I was invited by my landlord to a hearty dinner. I brought wines and desserts during the party. It was a memorable and very nice party. I got to meet Noel, the new border at my landlord's house. Finally we got to bond with each other.

I was so thankful that my Thanksgiving day was not that bad nor dramatic. At least I got to know a new friend and I kept up with my landlord and his boyfriend. We drank wines and talked a lot about our life for a little while. Then I left to watch the premiere of the movie "Tangled" at El Capitan Theater.

When I got out of the party, the weather outside was so nippy and I was kind of frozen despite of the three layered clothes I was wearing. It was really freezing outside so I set the heater in my car to warm me up. There's not much people on the streets and the fog started to set in that early during the night.

When I got at the parking lot near El Capitan Theater, I was greeted by this handsome young guy wearing a red polo shirt with the logo of the parking area and told me that the fee was $15 in order to park.

I was shocked upon hearing the exorbitant amount so I decided to look for a street parking which I found right away one block from the theater and it's free. At least I didn't have to waste that big amount of money which supposed to go to my movie ticket instead.

I walked towards the theater on a very cold night and it was just exactly the right time for me to get there and the movie will start shortly. I bought a regular ticket at the ticket booth and I was given this gold coin engraved with the movie's title which looked like a token.

I then grabbed one 3D glasses at the entrance and went in to the theater. It was my first time at El Capitan Theater and I noticed that the theater was been plushly carpeted in red and intricately gilded at the ceiling. It was beautiful and pretty inside.

As what I knew, El Capitan Theater, is the only place where all Disney movies we're been showed first here in Hollywood. It's where all these Disney movies had premiered and it was a world renowned and very popular theater when it comes to Disney movies.

Before the movie had started we were presented with a little entertainment show by the theater workers which showcased some of the famous Disney movie princess and Disney characters like Mickey and Minnie and they had introduced Rapunzel and Flynn during the dance-and-sing showcase. It was really awesome and hilarious.

After the showcase, the movie had started. The movie lasted for less than two hours and I liked it so much. It was kinda comical and funny and the songs were very entertaining and good. It was directed by the Osacr nominated Alan Menken and the songs were also written by him. It was worth the buck and I highly recommend it to all my friends.

The movie was been based to a very famous fairy tale by Rapunzel with some comical twist and enticing songs (composed by Alan Menken)inserted within the movie. It was very captivating and the animation appears very real and dramatic. I was so flabbergasted and mesmerized by it. I was really drawn to it and was hypnotized by it.

Although the story is not that similar to the fairy tale I grew up with but it was cleverly written and arranged by the director and the production staff. The 3D was superb, epic, and realistic and the lessons learned were very surreal. I can't believe they came up with an excellent plot. I was so amazed to the bones.

After the movie, I went home and culminated my night. So far Thanksgiving day for me this year is a lonely day but at least I celebrated it watching and enjoying the movie "Tangled".

Another year to thank for and another year to cherish. I did enjoy it to a small point and at least spent a little and sumptous dinner with friends. Thank you Lord for everything you've blessed me this year. Hope you'll always be there in time when I need you.

Happy Thanksgiving folks! Take care and have a good night.

Maghintay Ka Lamang

Here's another song that really pierced my heart every time I am down. It really inspired me a lot for not giving up and losing hope despite of the many trials and adversities I had gone through in my life.

Now I am on my emote mode again. Looking back with all my failures and asking myself where I did wrong. If I could only turn back the time and fixed those moments I made mistakes and straighten in out, but it's already over and I have to go on with the life's flow.

Sometimes in our haste we couldn't wait for what's in store we ended up giving up life and think of the wrong way in approaching the failures we had. Some even gave up life my committing suicide and for me that's the weakest and stupid way of facing the realities of life.

At those lowest moment of our life we should have muster the courage to face the challenges and wait for the right time because we all know we have to taste the bittersweet promises of life in order to learn from it. We should not be afraid to face it but be courageous enough the beat the odds.

Right now, I am jobless and I have to face this big dilemma of my life. I mean I still work as a clinical instructor but do not have a hospital work right now to maintain the continuity of my hospital experience. Since my resignation at CHW I had tried to applied yet had no luck to get one.

The recession had greatly affected the hiring rates for years now and I can still feel the pinch of it in my job hunting. I am so thankful that the teaching job is helping me right now but what I need is a second job to complete my worries and face my financial woes for me to get stable.

Since I'm kinda depress right now I have to resort to something that can help me out through it. So writing blogs and listening music were my avenues to divert me from my depression. I stumbled on this beautiful and inspiring which keeps me whole right now and I am sharing it here in my blog.

This song teaches me to just wait for the right time. That all the trials are not the hurdle for me to live life beautifully and succeed. It tells me that what I need is the strength and pureness of heart and self-esteem as well as self confidence when there is a huge challenge coming.

It also tells me that the light will soon magnificently emerge and magnanimously be seen. And as the world turns there's not always this endless failures and excruciating pain, but all your hopes and dreams will all be eventually achieved as long as you'll believe and patiently wait for the right time to happen and not rush for everything.

Here is that inpiring song and I got the chance to embed it here in my blog as well as include the lyrics for you to happily sing-a-long with it. Hope you'll enjoy it and it will inspire you greatly everyday as it inspires me right now. Thanks for your time!




Kung hindi ngayon ang panahon, na para sa iyo
Huwag maiinip, dahil ganyan ang buhay sa mundo
Huwag mawawalan ng pag-asa, darating din ang ligaya
Ang isipin mo'y may bukas pa,na may roong saya

II
Kabigua'y hindi hadlang, upang tumakas ka
Huwag kang iiwas, pag-nabibigo
Dapat nga lumaban ka....

(Chorus)

Ang kaylangan mo'y, tibay ng loob
Kung mayrong pag-subok man
Ang liwanag ay di magtatagal,
At muling mamamasdan
Iko't ng mundo, ay hindi laging pighati't kasawian
Ang pangarap mo ay makakamtam,
Basta't maghintay ka lamang

Magsimula Ka

This is a very inspirational song I've searched in YouTube that really affected my emotions right now. It is a very good song telling me to start all over again despite of the adversities I've meet in my journey.

I've embedded the video here and written the meaningful lyrics underneath it. I was so immersed with the song not knowing that my tears were already trickling down my face. I was so touched by it and I felt so numbed absorbing all the trials and hardships I'd had in the past. It was a very emotional introspection and I'm going crazy now.

The song tells me that I have only one life and I have to move and use it, and if my heart wished something, I have to dream for it and reach it so that I can achieve it. I have to work for it and begin doing it. Then I have to start over, push and discover the find. Though I will meet some hardships along the way yet my goals will be in hands, and sweetness of my success will be tasted in the end.

Hope you'll enjoy the message of the song and absorb it as you search for your goals. This song encourages us to be brave and face the challenges that life has to offer. So please enjoy the song and sing-a-long with it!




Magsimula ka
Batiin ang kay gandang umaga
Ng may ngiti sa iyong mga mata
Sa pagkakaidlip gumising na
Ang buhay ay masaya
Palalagpasin mo ba

Magsimula ka
Tuparin ang pangarap mong tunay
Habang ang lakas iyo pang taglay
Sa paghihintay baka masanay
Sayang naman ang buhay
mawawala ng saysay

(Refrain)
Iisa lang ang buhay mo
Kumilos ka, gamitin mo
Kung may nais ang puso mo
Mangarap ka, abutin mo
Upang ito'y makamit mo
Magsikap ka, simulan mo

Magsimula ka
Pilitin ang tuklasin ang hanap
Madanas man ang maraming hirap
Ang mithiin mo pag naging ganap
Langit ng pagsisikap
iyo nang malalasap

(Repeat refrain 2x)

Upang ito'y makamit mo
Magsikap ka, simulan mo

Kung Maibabalik Ko Lang

Malupit sa akin ang tadhana pero malakas pa rin ang aking pananaw sa buhay. Alam ko naman na hindi ako pababayaan ng Panginoon. Alam ko naman na ang mga dagok sa aking buhay ay mga pagsubok lamang sa akin ng ating Poon.

Wala na akong magawa pa dahil nangyari na ang mga mapapait na mga karanasan sa aking buhay. Siguro dahil din ito sa aking kapabayaan o siguro sa aking pagtitiwala sa mga tao sa aking paligid.

Nahihirapan man ako pero wala na akong magawa. Taimtim kong tinatanggap ang mga pagsubok at dagok na dumating sa aking buhay. Ito'y nagsisilbing leksiyon sa akin para matuto ako sa aking pagtahak sa mga baku-bakong landas ng buhay.

Sa ngayon hindi ako makapag-isip ng maayos kaya minabuti ko munang magsulat sa Tagalog para makapag-express ako ng aking mga hinaing at aking nararamdaman sa aking puso at isip.

Salamat na lang at hindi ako pinabayaan ng aking paniniwala at ako'y nananatiling malakas at mapagkumbaba kahit ako'y inaapakan pa. Naisip ko tuloy na ako'y palaging pinag-kakaitan ng aking sariling dignidad at kalayaan. Mapait man isipin pero kailangan kong tanggapin ito dahil ito ang binigay sa akin ng Panginoon.

Sa lahat ng aking mga ginagawa palagi ko na lang ipinasa-Diyos ang mangyayari kahit na gagawin ko ang aking makakaya para hindi naman ako masyadong umasa sa Kanya. Pero kailangan kong tanggapin ng taimtim ang mga dapat mangyari at matuto sa aking mga pagkakamali.

Salamat na lang at akong hindi bumigay sa aking mga pagkakamali. Salamat na lang at ako'y naging malakas sa kabila ng mga negatibong pangyayari sa aking buhay.

Ilang beses na sa tanang buhay ko ang mga nangyari na ako'y pinag-iinitan sa trabaho pero dahil sa aking paniniwala sa Kanya ako ang palaging nabiyayaan ng lakas na nagpapabuti ng aking kalooban.

Mahirap man isipin pero lahat ng mga nangyayari sa ating buhay ay may katuturan. Dapat ay matuto tayo sa mga ito at hindi tayo basta-bastang susuko dahil kapag tayo ay susuko, tayo ay matatalo ng ating pagkaduwag.

Kung maibabalik ko lang ang mga dating oras at maitatama ko ang aking kamalian.... sana ako'y isang ganap na maligaya ngayon. Pero huli na ang lahat at kailangan nating pag-aralan ang ating mga kilos at ingatan na hindi tayo makakasakit sa ting kapwa.

Salamat na lang at ako'y malakas sa aking paniniwala at hindi ako pinabayaan ng ating Panginoon. Malakas talaga ako sa Kanya at lahat ng mga pangyayari sa aking buhay.... negatibo man o positibo.... ako ay palaging nasa tamang landas. Mahirap tayo pero nakakatuwa at nakaka-challenging ang buhay.

Kung may "time machine" lang para makabalik sa ating kahapon ako po ay unang nakalinya na sa harap nito. Pero ang ating mga kahapon ay ganap na tapos na at atin na lamang gunitain ito at pag-aralan kung saan tayo nagkamali at kapulutan natin ng tamang aral para tayo ay matuto sa ating pagharap sa araw-araw na mga dagok ng buhay.

Masaya ako ngayon dahil hindi ako pinabayaan ni Lord sa aking mga pagdurusa. At least may tumawag sa akin noong nakaraang linggo para ako ay ma-interview sa isang position sa Pediatric Floor na aking specialty. At salamat naman at ako ay natanggap. Ako po ay taos pusong nagpapasalamat sa Maykapal dahil hindi Niya ako pinabayaan sa aking mga paglalakbay.

Mahirap mapag-isa sa buhay. Kung minsan naisip ko ring tapusin ang aking mga paghihirap pero naisip ko rin na ito'y gawa lang ng isang duwag. Pero ako ay nanghihina minsan at nawawalan ng lakas ng loob. Sa kabila ng lahat, iniisip ko na lang palagi na ako'y may pananaw sa buhay at isang malakas na tao.

Salamat naman at ako'y hindi bumigay sa mga pagsubok na ito. Salamat na lang at hindi ako pinabayaan ng Panginoon at ako'y nananatiling malakas ang loob sa pagharap ng mga dagok ng buhay.

Kung pinili ko sigurong bumigay sa mga pagsubok ng buhay maaring hindi ko natamasa ang umaapaw kong saya ngayon. Sa kabila ng lahat ng mga mapapait kong karanasan masaya ako ngayon dahil hindi ako pinabayaan ni Lord. Masaya ako ngayon dahil biglang nawala na ang aking pag-alala sa mga nangyayari sa aking buhay.

Walang problema na hindi nalulutas. Hindi naman tayo bibigyan ng Poon ng mga pagsubok na hindi natin kaya dahil sa aking pagkaka-alam hindi naman tayo pahihirapan ng Poon dahil alam naman Nya na kaya natin ito. Na sa kabila ng madilim at masalimuot nating mga narandaman sa ating buhay may araw na patuloy na imiilaw sa ating buhay at nagbibigay sa atin ng pag-asa.

Naalala ko tuloy an dbuhay ni Joseph na ibanandona ng kanyang mga kapatid at ibinenta sya sa mga dayuhan bilang alipin. Pero ang hindi alam ni Joseph ay may plano na ang Panginoon para sa kanya. Naging Hari sya ng Egipto at sya ay naatasang tumulong sa kanyang mga kalahi sa bayan ng mga dayuhan.

Tayo rin ay may plano na nakatadhana para sa atin ng ating Panginoon. Kaya kung ano man ito tayo lang ang makaka-alam nito kapag patuloy nating harapin ang mga pagsubok ng buhay. Kaya wag tayo magsuko at manalangin tayo sa Kanya para sa ating sariling kapakanan at para sa mga pagsubok na darating sa ating buhay.

Kaya ikaw, ako, at tayo...... dapat lang na maging malakas tayo sa pagharap ng mga dagok na darating sa ating buhay dahil tayo lamang ang makakapagkalas sa mga ito kung malakas lang ang ating paniniwala sa Diyos. Good luck at maligayang pagtahak sa tamang landas!

Beautiful Day Promises

I woke up this morning with the sun gleefully greeting me from the four corners of my bedroom. It's rays were peeking through the white chiffon curtains from the window and my room was illuminated brightly by it. It was a promising morning I had woke up!

After the good news yesterday, my life had mysteriously shifted 200% from the dark and downhill moments I've spent during my orientation days at LBMMC for three months. I was glad God had guided me all throughout the course and He had made me strong all throughout the process. Had I gave in, I couldn't witness this beautiful morning today, and what it will promise me.

Well, enough talks about those grim moments I had in that facility. Now, I have to face what's in the future for me. Life has a lot of promises to hold and offer but only us can face and do it, and nobody else.

Yeah, this morning I have high spirits that today will be more promising for me. So I woke up and went to the gym. I've exercised for two grueling hours. It was refreshing to come back to the gym despite of my lack of motivation and interest the previous months.

I am not getting any younger so I think it's high time for me now to take care of my health. Now that I don't have a legitimate health insurance because of my separation from my previous job, it's my responsibility to take care of health and myself.

After leaving the gym I went home to do my laundry which I neglected to do for two consecutive weeks and besides I needed to wash and do them because I almost ran out of working scrubs. I also did some household chores while waiting for my laundry to dry up. In summary, I did three loads of laundry and it took me four hours to finish it. This is my comeuppance for proscrastinating too badly and not doing my chores on time.

Now it's time for me to go to school to turn in my timesheets and also check out for some new updates. I always have to go to school once every two weeks to turn in my timesheets or else I won't get paid. I also got into the habit of checking for new updates so that I will know what's in or out among the faculties and the students.

Then in the afternoon I have to meet one of my best friend from school who is also teaching there. We had planned to watch a movie and eat out so today I think will be my off day and I will spend and enjoy it together with friends for a good quality time.

So far that's the plan for me today and I hope nothing major will happen for I already set up my mind that this will be a promising day for me to celebrate the new beginning of my flunking career and the acceptance from my new job.

This day had promised a good vibes for me because of the sun's outstretched radiance on this cold autumn morning. I still have to know what will happen and wait for the fulfillment of my expectations for today. So it's still early to conclude for what will gonna happen. Twas a long wait though but I am not in a hurry to know what's in store for me today for I have to take it slowly and enjoy every savory moment of it.

Mother nature always brought a lot of promises every day for us and whatever it is, we have to always be ready for the best and the worse to come. We have to be keen of what will happen around us and we have to accept the fact that things had happened to us because there is always a reason why it will happen. We make our own destiny, and our actions, reactions, and critical thinking will guide us to achieve it fully and realized it's success.

The birds tweeting musically outside had brought a new meaning to my senses. The green leaves of the fig tree drenched with crystal clear morning dew was an auspicious site to reckon. And the magical and colorful blooms of the hibiscus flower waking up from the freezing night was very captivating in the eyes. It was indeed a beautiful morning to celebrate and enjoy!

Bullied In The Job

Have you experienced being bullied in the job? How did it feel to you? Was it embarrassing or hurtful? Did you ever thought of ending your life because you can't take the embarassment anymore? Yes, I was the victim of it and I almost gave up.

It never come to my remote mind that bullying in the job also exist with grown ups. I thought that bullying only occurs in school with the little and high school kids. I was wrong! Bullying actually comes in many forms. It may be physical, mental, and psychosocial.

But before we go to my story let me define "bullying" first. It is a form of a verb used to describe in intimidating and dominating someone or something. It also means to be loudly arrogant and overbearing. It can result to a lot of emotional turmoil to a victim and sometimes can made them think of killing theirselves because of the extreme embarrassment and shame they've incurred from the lashings of their perpetrators.

Research have proved that bullying is one of the factors especially to those youngsters who killed themselves by committing suicide because they don't want to experience more dilemma from their detractors. And this will also make the victims extremely depressed, useless, and helpless thereby they couldn't think well but to just end everything.

I didn't know that bullying also exist among the grown ups at work. I myself was a victim. I had applied for this job in the hospital which I wanted for real. It was a new specialty for me after giving up my own specialty I've been holding for eighteen years. But during the transition my trainor was very mean to me and was discouraging me to quit the job because I am not meant to be there.

Everytime I was with her she always made a side comment that I am not using my head well and I don't use my critical thinking. She almost had told me that I am dumb but she just held it up. She was very intimidating and very strict to me although I always held my composure and was been very polite and nice to her. She always shouts or yells on me in front of the staff and the patients and that really made me so small and shrunk up.

I felt I was in a military camp being trained to be a marine. She doesn't want me to reason out to her and she always cut me off everytime I explained myself and what I'm doing. She just want me to say yes all the time. To her all I say were wrong and that I don't have the knowledge of what I'm doing.

I was extremely hurt and embarrased inside. My self confidence was been stripped off from me and I was so depressed and down. Everytime I drove my car home I felt tears trickling down my cheeks and I was always contemplating to myslef what have I done why she was treating me like that and why she was very mean to me.

Despite all the bad mouthing and the mean side comments I still held on to my composure. I remained humble and kept praying that everything will be okay. But I never know that a bully will ever be a bully and will make sure that my life will be very miserable.

When my probationary period was over, I didn't know that she evaluated me real bad. I guess she doesn't like me a lot. The evaluation was all negative which was really against me and had caused me to get axed from the job.

I endured three months of a mind boggling orientation which almost had made me gave up my life because I couldn't take all the shame and embarrassment anymore but thank God I was strong enough to face it with humility and that I have to accept the fact that I wasn't really meant for that place.

I always prayed everyday to God to give me strength to finish my probationary period and that I can hold on to it but still I got the bad news that I am no longer illegible to workk there because of the evaluation which was only one sided. I know God knows that my trainor lied in that evaluation and I know God had helped me to give the sign if I was really meant to be there. And I got the verdict last Friday which I think was the sign that God had given me.

But getting bullied in the job was the worse thing to be in. I was stripped of my individual rights and I know my manager had knew it. But she let herself manipulated by the people around her.

I consciously accepted the fact that I have to exit in that place yet I am so bitter at myself for not standing up to my rights. At the back of my mind I know these people will have to answer to God at the right time what they have done to me. I still believe in karma and time will come they will get it.

Now, I was so glad I was out there. I got a call today from another hospital and actually went there to have an interview and got a position to work in a highly technological Pediatric ICU I've ever seen in the heart of Beverly Hills.

Life is always good to me and I know God never sleeps. He always answered my intense prayers and I really thankful that He is always there to help me. I thank Him for giving me the sign to accept the bad news last Friday and for making me strong all the time.

God is always good and never cease in caring and helping people who always remember Him all the time. My faith always gives me strength and determination to enjoy life. Had I succumb to all the snares of my detractors for sure I was already gone on this earth. Thank you Lord for sustaining me during those dark moments of my orientation.

Going Ape Over

I was so happy today. The Lord had given me a sign and answered my intense prayers. And I extremely felt I was fortunate for that. I went ape over that good news!

I was called for an interview today for a job that I had applied online over the weekend. It was in the Pediatric ICU which is actually my forte and my credentials was been saying that I am very qualified for it. They had no questions for me about the application besides asking me my past experiences. Then I got the good news. I was so happy upon hearing that I got hired. Thank you so much Lord!

Well, this is a new life for me now. I have to set aside and bury all my failures, fiascos, and heartaches from the past. I hope my recovery from the bad news last week will be masked over by the good news I had just received today. I hope it will be a quick recovery then.

I will be starting my orientation next week and I am so excited about it. My expectations is beyond reach and explanations right now. I felt I am the most luckiest guy in the world right now. I felt I just won the lotto of all lottos. Hehehe.

God really never sleeps. If it really was meant for me, He will graciously give it to me. And I am so honored to have given the chance to renew my life again. Perhaps all those bad vibes that had happened to me lately were just a reminder for me to seek and be near with Him who is all knowing and our good Provider. And I always trust in Him all my life.

The company that just hired me had a good reputation and a rich history. Knowing that they are also a well-known charitable company had touched my heart. I think I can grow better here and I will have a lot of opportunities to meet here. God is really good to me and He knows where to place me. Had I waited for my own time I shouldn't have gotten that embarrassing experiences from the past month.

Now, my thoughts was been calmed down by this extremely good news and I don't have to worry again about my financial and psychological as well as my health security. Now that I had found this very reputable company to take care of my future I am confident and content that I will last here and maybe retire here.

I love my job and God knows it. I hope he will continue to guide me and will make me meet people who are nice and willing to help me as I grow in my profession. I hope no more people who will criticize me and discourage me to perform my duties as a caring individual.

God in your hands I leave to you my future. I know you're always there and never leave me during my dark moments. I know that you always carry me when I am weakened and discouraged, I know that you whispered to me the spirit of goodness and humility and that I stayed so calm and professional in dealing with my patients, co-workers, and detractors.

I am very ecstatic and excited for the very nice gift you've given me. Now that I found my new niche which is actually my forte, I hope this is to last forever. I go ape over at the good news I have received today and my emotions had been bursting out from me because I am plainly super happy and super fulfilled by the grace of God.

With all my heart and spirit thank you Lord for always being there all the time. I always love you and will continue to ask for your mercy and guidance all throughout my life. Your loving mercy had always given me hope to forge forward and I am always grateful for your eternal love and mercy.

I am extremely enthusiastic and thankful about the good news and I cannot contain my heart singing a million thanks to my merciful Lord who always sustain me. Love you Lord!

A Song Called "Luck"

It seems that I am still numb about what had happened last week. I just want to burry it in my remote mind but still it keeps flashing back in my forebrain. Life is not that easy for me nowadays.

I am not complaining but I am greatly affected by how life was been treating me lately. I know there is a reason why it happened but I still couldn't fathom it. I am really confused and disoriented about it. God please help me to overcome it. Yes, it hurts but I have to accept the fact that it already happened and had seared my dignity and ego. I am not whole and complete again.

I remember this one song way back home popularized by a gigolo singer which really emanates a very servile lesson in me. It may serve you a lesson, too, but I don't know if it will really affect you greatly like what I feel. The song is titled as "Kapalaran" which is translated in English as "Fate or Luck".

Bakit ba ganyan ang buhay ng tao? Merong mayaman, may api sa mundo. Kapalaran kung hanapin ay di matatagpuan at kung minsan lumalapit ng di mo alam. O bakit kaya may ligaya't lumbay. Sa pag-ibig may bigo't tagumpay. Di malaman, di maisip, kung anong kapalaran sa akin ay naghihintay.

Why is it that the life of man has wealthy people and oppressed one on this earth. If we searched luck we couldn't find it and sometimes it will just appear unnoticed. Oh why is it there is joy and sadness in life? In love there is failure and success. I just don't know, can't even think, what fate of luck is waiting for me in the end.

Such a meaningful song asking what will happen about life because honestly we really don't know what will happen to us in the future, what our luck and fate will be. We know there is a bad and good that will happen but we don't know which one will eventually come out and appear.

In short, we are the ones who is really instrumental in making our own destiny. Our fate really lies in our own hands and making. And we will be lucky is we can get a positive result although the negative result can be normal and can give us life's intimate lessons which can make us stronger and better as we exist on this world.

Life is very unpredictable nowadays. We should be on the alert all the time because we don't know what will happen in the future. Anticipation is the best thing for us to be prepared for what is to come. If we are well prepared then the intensity of the hurt that we will feel will be lessened just in case we fail in our journey.

Life is not always about the good and sweet promises we can get out from it. Life couldn't always promise us a rose garden. We have to know that life is always a mixture of good or bad, a combination of ups and downs, and a blend of darkness and daylight. We have to be attentive enough about it and anticipate on what to do just in case.

As this song had inspired me greatly as I grow up I hope it will give us a lesson that life is not that easy. Looking for our own luck in this world is a huge challenge because life is enormously complicated itself. Aaaah..... this thing called life is really a challenge.

Contemplating Deeply

It's a muggy Sunday today and I showed up in my clinical class very eager to work despite of the things that had happened last Friday. I'm still enormously numbed about what had happened this weekend and I just think of it as a scary nightmare that keeps haunting me around wherever I go.

I woke up very early this morning despite of the fall back that had happened at 2 am. The time had fell back for one hour because of the Daylight Saving Time happening worldwide but still I feel that it is the usual Sundays I've always woke up mindlessly dragging myself to the shower in order for me to wake up fully.

I arrived at the clinical site in Centinela Hospital Medical Center in Inglewood, CA early despite I've told my students to come at 7:30 am. Well, it was good to be early because I just couldn't stand staying at my apartment alone and remind myself of my failures and the fiasco that happened last Friday.

It seems that the bad news last Friday was still looming at the back of my mind despite of the fact that I already accepted it as a huge challenge. Maybe it was true that it's hard to really forget all those bad events that had happened in our lives. Maybe time will come I will forget it and make myself heal against the hurt and anger that I've felt for myself.

Yes, time is the only and sole panacea for everything that had caused havoc in our lives. They say that time alone will heal everything. When will be that? That I don't know. It only depends on ourselves when to have that happen. I don't even know when I can accept all of these failures but I know the stages of grief was been laying out to me gradually.

Now I tend to blame myself of what had happened. And I felt I am on a stage of bargaining lately. The stage of denial and anger was been surpassed now and maybe I am still in a little bit of anger stage transitioning to the stage bargaining.

I already had communed to myself before that this will happen but I didn't expect that all the lies they've been throwing at me was been believed and taken by my manager. I know I lacked the confidence in facing the truth and the perpetrators behind this fiasco had come out victorious because I now lost the job that I aspired so much and eventually lost the battle in the end.

I am so angered at myself for not deciding to change my preceptor early on and now I madly blamed myself for what had been transpired last Friday which had resulted to the lost of my job. I was so trusting to the people around me and now I suffered the consequences of my wrong decisions and actions. Had I listened to my gut feelings before I should have retained my job right now. But it's too late now.

Maybe God has the reason why it happened to me and it's too late now to rationalize for everything. Time for me to move on and immersed myself in accepting the fact that I lost the battle and let myself go through the phases of grief until I reached the stage of acceptance, that this has to end.

It is too hurting for my ego to have lost the fight and to have lost my individual right as a person despite of the fact that I was the victim here and not them. It was a pity though that I easily gave up the fight and it really ate up my ego and affected my self confidence in every way.

But things had happened inevitably and I have to accept the fact that it all had ended last Friday. Now I have to move on and look for another job that is willing to accept me without bias and discrimination.

It is not the end after all but the beginning of a new self trying to prove to them that I can stand on my own and able to reclaim and redeem myself from the ashes of embarrassment and lack of confidence. Now I am a new me able to prove that I am worth it to find another job that can accept as who I am.

Sometimes it is good to bow down and set my ego aside because I know that place is not worth for me. I know that God has still more in store for me and I am willing to face another challenge that will make me more strong and steadfast in every journey I made.

I am hopeful that everything will turn out good next week so that I can find another niche for me to put myself to be accepted again. My mistakes and failures will serve as a huge lesson for me and will guide me next time had I encountered the same circumstances again.

At least I know now what to do and how to react just in case the same situation will arise. In the end I will be the one laughing out loud because I had showed to all my detractors that I did it on my own despite they bad mouthed me before.

In retrospect, all that I've felt this weekend was about my failures and mistakes. Contemplating deeply what went wrong, trying to make ammends to myself that this happened because it was meant to be, that I was not meant for that place, that I was the object of all the disparagement, that I was the victim of discrimination. It was mind boggling and very destructive to the ego but it is part of the process I believe.

Life has it's own course and time and I will wait for my own time to happen. May be not now but time will come I will emerge victorious in all my struggles and trials. So help me God!

Low Down

Well, it seems that I have faced the most lowest point in my life. A dilemma I couldn't forget or shall I say a big fiasco I was in. But nah.... I think this is just another trial that God had given me to test my faith and my self as to how I handle stress in a healthy way.

Yes.... lately my life was in a low down for weeks. I had struggled a lot in my orientation at the hospital. My preceptor was been very mean and unprofessional with me. I should have listened to my gut feelings before to opt her out but I was a fool believing that she will change. That was the biggest mistake I made. And now.... I have to suffer for the wrong decision I made.

Yesterday.... was the lowest point of my life. I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry. I was so numb and so angered at myself for letting it happen to me. There was no time to blame myself because it's already too late. They had axed me at work after my probationary period.

My preceptor had lied in her evaluation for me and manipulated my manager that I am not competent to be an ER nurse. That I am not using my intuition in assessing my patients and that I don't have any critical thinking skills.

Well, that's her opinion and she really made her power to have me fired and terminated. That was the saddest moment of my life. I did explained myself to my manager and had told her that she only heard one side of the story but it wa too late now. My explanations wasn't heard and the verdict was been served.

I remembered to calm down my self and just accept the fact that it's useless to have myself explained to them. I prayed to God that maybe this was the sign that he gave me when I asked Him to give me one. There's a lot of maybes that had been playing in my mind and it rendered me numb and thick to accept my defeat.

One of the maybes I thought was that maybe God just doesn't want me to endure and suffer more embarrassment with my preceptor, that maybe God doesn't want me to work in that extremely stressful environment, that maybe God has something big in store for me and a lot of maybes I can think of.

It really hurt..... but I have to accept the facts although it is not true. I've been to a lot of test and adversities but to me this is the most hurtful one. It was a big challenge to me yet I know a lot to learn from it.

I was stripped of my right and I let them stepped on me. It was very painful and I am angry at myself. I remember the story of Job in the Bible and I equated myself to him who was stripped of his dignity yet was still humble and did not denounce his faith with God. And God had rewarded Him enormously in the end.

I don't know what will happen to me after yesterday yet I am still hopeful that everything will be all right. I still believe that the sun will always shine behind the dark clouds and when that happens there I can see redeeming myself from embarrassment, hurt, and anger.

I won't say anything bad to my detractors for I know that someday karma will claim them for what they did to me. There's always the right time for redemption and I know God is not sleeping.

I thank God that He still loves me because He was always there for me making me strong and keeping me warmed with His Holy Spirit to not give up with my plight and journey.

I remember my mother telling me to just laugh at my low downs and think that it was just a test given to me by God. She told me that God doesn't give us trials that we could not handle and I think she is always right on this aspect. Thanks mom for giving me hopes to redeem and reclaim myself.

For sure life is always a mixture of sweet and bitter experiences which gave us intimate lessons that we could leave as a legacy when we will perish from this earth. And this experiences will always determine for what we are whether we can be strong or weak. And it holds true to me because of my foundation build up by my parents.

Never in my entire life that I gave up in every adversities I've encountered. I always been a fighter in my life and I know I can surpassed my trials in any means. That's why I always thrive on my own all the time.

Although I did not say that I can do it alone because I know I still need the support of my friends and my families in continuing my fight and my journey in the zigzagged road to a fulfilling life.

Thank you Lord for giving me strength in facing my failures and loving myself above all. Life is not that easy..... we always have to pass in the eye of a needle in order to have satisfaction, fulfillment, and success in life.

Birthday Wish 2010

October 24, 2010: Well, this year was full of ups and downs. And my life was been in a roller coaster ride. I don't know where to stand now.

My orientation at my new job is also in hot waters and I also don't know where I stand right now. If worse comes to worse I would probably take the monkey off my shoulder and find another stress free job. But I'm still in high hopes that everything will be ok. I've been praying and keeping my fingers cross that everything will be all right.

Yesterday was my 41st birthday and I celebrated it in a very simple way. I worked the previous night so the whole day I was sulking in my bed trying to recuperate from my fatigue. I woke up at 6 pm and I called my friends inviting them for a dinner at the Chinatown.

My birthday celebration is not that posh. No cakes and candles to blow. Only a simple dinner at the Mayflower Restaurant in downtown Chinatown with friends eating Chinese foods. As long as there's noodles which we believe to give long life will be ok for me. It was just a simple party with new found friends and nothing more.

I was overwhelmed though by the flow of the birthday greetings sent to me by my friends and families from other parts of the world through my Facebook wall. It fatten my heart to see them wishing me well on my birthday. Thanks for the wonder of the internet which connected me with my long lost friends and families and to have heard them sending me well wishes on my birthday.

Time flies so fast and I am one year older again. Time will come I will be old and senile not remembering all these happy moments I had from my younger days. That's why I have to cherish everything I have right now for I can't afford to missed every great moments when my memory will lapse.

Yet life has to go on and we are all going there. Things has to end and we will soon be reaching our own ending. So we must make out the most of our life in a good way while we are young and able to remember everything good that we can cherish.

Looking back we will realize the importance of living alone and restrospecting what we did good in our past will give us fulfillment and satisfaction although there's still time for us to make ammends for our wrongdoings.

We always have to count our blessings and cherish our happy moments for there is no equal opportunity for us to go back and fix our wrongdoings. We have to be sure of what we do right now and what we have decided will always be right because we could not repeat the same situation or circumstances to happen again in the future.

Life is too short and we have to make the most of it. And for my birthday this year my only wish is a simple and stress free life and I know God will always provide it to me because I know I am good to myself and to other people. I know I am a good person and I always fear God in everything I do.

Happy 41st birthday to me and cheers to good health, long life, and richness in friendship. Life is always good to me and I want to share all my blessings to all who need it.

To my family..... thanks for the trust and love you've showered me, to my friends..... thanks for the friendship and loyalty, to my co-workers..... thanks for the teamwork, respect, and responsibility, to all my detractors.... I pray that you all will have a change of hearts.

God loves us all and we all must live harmoniously and with love with each other. Happy birthday to me! Yay!