Contemplating Badly

I went home today a little bit down and worried about things that had happened these previous days. I am very worried about the unknown which really scared the hell out of me.

Still doesn't feel right about what had happened yesterday at my pre-employment medical exam. I hope my premonitions were all wrong. I just can't shake it off my system until now. You know the feeling when there is an imminent danger coming which really gave a big toll on me and that's how I feel right now. Strange huh!

I hope all my preemptions were wrong. But it was totally inevitable for me to feel this way because I am getting paranoid now especially for not having a hospital job for almost four months now.

I can't really escape the reality and facts to be suspicious because I am really expecting and been wanting this job badly as the right one for me. I know it is odd but I just can't help thinking of the worse.

Judging with what had been transpired yesterday and the reactions of the physician assistant and the employee health physician, I know that there is something bad brewing and coming up. Plus the fact that I was instructed to comeback after a week really can't help me thinking of the worse. It's just a bad dream and a bad wrap for me.

It was really my fault in the first place because of my embarassment and my desire to get the job real bad that I hid my handicap and had removed one of my hearing aid. I panicked extremely and didn't expected that it will haunt me back a hundred times. Now, I am regretting the wrong move and bad decision I've made.

They say that we have to suffer the consequences of our actions. And this had given a big toll on me especially in this kind of situation that I really really need this job extremely bad.

Now I was contemplating badly where I did wrong and if worse comes to worse I have to come up with the right counter measures to face the facts. I am still contemplating on protecting my rights as a handicap and was been reading some good reasonable and related articles about discrimination in the job because of a handicap.

Although there were a lot of mitigating circumstances to consider and reconsider I think if this pre-imminent feeling will happen next week, I think I have to resort to this very drastic decision to find some legal help and advice.

But my fear is that I have no means to prove that they will resort to terminate the contract. In the first place the contract hasn't been transpired yet because I haven't started the job yet but it was already been talked to and agreed verbally. As a matter of fact I already signed some paperworks but no contract signing yet.

I hope the guys would not judge me yesterday and will give me another chance to explain. I am glad I went back to my audiologist yesterday and told her of what had happened and had the other device fixed and adjusted the settings on the computer. Or else I will ask her to witness for me if this will blow up out of proportions.

And I know the audiologist will help me out for this because she knows my plight and she knows what had happened. My biggest fear though is that I hope it will not become publicized and become a big issue. Plus the fact that I don't have enough financial resources to finance the media frenzy.

Aaah well..... if worse comes to worse I have to face the music and accept the verdict in the end. Anyway it is not the end of the world. Things had happened because it has the right reason. And if this job is not meant for me so be it.

It's just frustrating though because I have invested a lot of time to be near the final stage of processing it and with one slight mistake everything will be blown away to nowhere.

Well, life has its ups and downs and that's the way it is. Life would be empty without it. But it just sucks that this happened to me. I hope my gut feelings were wrong, period and with no buts......

I don't want to entertain any upsetting thoughts right now because entertaining them in my mind at this moment will brought havoc to my ego and my pride. I just couldn't swallow anymore embarrassment and inner setbacks. It kills me psychologically and mentally.

Although my prejudices were inevitable about the people behind this I couldn't blame them to be biased at me, and I know that. Each one one us has our own biases and prejudices and vice versa. And that's normal..... but the question is are they in the right position to mandate those biases on me without even giving me the chance to explain my side?

See..... I'm already confuse about this and it even aggravated my frustrated feelings and clouded my confused judgement. I'm already mentally exhausted and felt a slight psychological instability. I just need to rest my mind and think this was just a bad dream.

We'll see next week though. God please help me. I think I really need to stop thinking of the worse but I can't help it because my gut feelings tells me that it's already over. I think I just have to accept this fiasco and face the facts.

Should I gave this up or should I pursue it? That's the question for now. And that remains to be answered, as well.