Contemplating Deeply

It's a muggy Sunday today and I showed up in my clinical class very eager to work despite of the things that had happened last Friday. I'm still enormously numbed about what had happened this weekend and I just think of it as a scary nightmare that keeps haunting me around wherever I go.

I woke up very early this morning despite of the fall back that had happened at 2 am. The time had fell back for one hour because of the Daylight Saving Time happening worldwide but still I feel that it is the usual Sundays I've always woke up mindlessly dragging myself to the shower in order for me to wake up fully.

I arrived at the clinical site in Centinela Hospital Medical Center in Inglewood, CA early despite I've told my students to come at 7:30 am. Well, it was good to be early because I just couldn't stand staying at my apartment alone and remind myself of my failures and the fiasco that happened last Friday.

It seems that the bad news last Friday was still looming at the back of my mind despite of the fact that I already accepted it as a huge challenge. Maybe it was true that it's hard to really forget all those bad events that had happened in our lives. Maybe time will come I will forget it and make myself heal against the hurt and anger that I've felt for myself.

Yes, time is the only and sole panacea for everything that had caused havoc in our lives. They say that time alone will heal everything. When will be that? That I don't know. It only depends on ourselves when to have that happen. I don't even know when I can accept all of these failures but I know the stages of grief was been laying out to me gradually.

Now I tend to blame myself of what had happened. And I felt I am on a stage of bargaining lately. The stage of denial and anger was been surpassed now and maybe I am still in a little bit of anger stage transitioning to the stage bargaining.

I already had communed to myself before that this will happen but I didn't expect that all the lies they've been throwing at me was been believed and taken by my manager. I know I lacked the confidence in facing the truth and the perpetrators behind this fiasco had come out victorious because I now lost the job that I aspired so much and eventually lost the battle in the end.

I am so angered at myself for not deciding to change my preceptor early on and now I madly blamed myself for what had been transpired last Friday which had resulted to the lost of my job. I was so trusting to the people around me and now I suffered the consequences of my wrong decisions and actions. Had I listened to my gut feelings before I should have retained my job right now. But it's too late now.

Maybe God has the reason why it happened to me and it's too late now to rationalize for everything. Time for me to move on and immersed myself in accepting the fact that I lost the battle and let myself go through the phases of grief until I reached the stage of acceptance, that this has to end.

It is too hurting for my ego to have lost the fight and to have lost my individual right as a person despite of the fact that I was the victim here and not them. It was a pity though that I easily gave up the fight and it really ate up my ego and affected my self confidence in every way.

But things had happened inevitably and I have to accept the fact that it all had ended last Friday. Now I have to move on and look for another job that is willing to accept me without bias and discrimination.

It is not the end after all but the beginning of a new self trying to prove to them that I can stand on my own and able to reclaim and redeem myself from the ashes of embarrassment and lack of confidence. Now I am a new me able to prove that I am worth it to find another job that can accept as who I am.

Sometimes it is good to bow down and set my ego aside because I know that place is not worth for me. I know that God has still more in store for me and I am willing to face another challenge that will make me more strong and steadfast in every journey I made.

I am hopeful that everything will turn out good next week so that I can find another niche for me to put myself to be accepted again. My mistakes and failures will serve as a huge lesson for me and will guide me next time had I encountered the same circumstances again.

At least I know now what to do and how to react just in case the same situation will arise. In the end I will be the one laughing out loud because I had showed to all my detractors that I did it on my own despite they bad mouthed me before.

In retrospect, all that I've felt this weekend was about my failures and mistakes. Contemplating deeply what went wrong, trying to make ammends to myself that this happened because it was meant to be, that I was not meant for that place, that I was the object of all the disparagement, that I was the victim of discrimination. It was mind boggling and very destructive to the ego but it is part of the process I believe.

Life has it's own course and time and I will wait for my own time to happen. May be not now but time will come I will emerge victorious in all my struggles and trials. So help me God!