Partings is very hard to do and I am the one who always trying to evade saying goodbye especially when someone is leaving. I detest it a lot. The raw emotions of separation is really hard to fathom. It gets me very low to have seen somebody leaving that's why I am not really into goodbyes. I guess no one really loves good-byes, and me, yeah, I hate 'em. And now I'm coming full force with their obtrusive reality as my departure ticks steadily closer. I am, to say the least, emotionally overwhelmed.
I've been trying to write about this for weeks, but I can't seem to force or squeeze the words out on me. Another reason to deeply detest good-byes. What is there to say, really? That I feel oxygen-deprived when I think of the experiences I won't share or the conversations I won't have or the people I won't see? That I feel a tightness in my chest when I think of the relational distance my physical distance will be breeding? That I feel like throwing up when I think of verbalizing the love I've felt?
Nope. It's no big deal. I won't see you for a while. So it goes. It is ridiculous to do it I guess. I am sickened to do it honestly. It is inevitable though and that is the hard fact. We all have to succumb to it anyway, like a helpless individual and have to feel the severing pain it will bring to our self and to others as well. But I guess, it can be remedied and that's why it has to happen.
Truthfully, I'm grieving. I know I can trust this misty future to a God who is infinite in faithfulness and goodness. But no, it is not the uncharted water of a new beginning that terrifies me. Instead it's the heart-rending end of so much I have held so dear. It is the end of my waking up during the weekends in the late afternoon to get myself ready for work, the end of waking up early in the morning during weekdays to get myself ready for my clinical and theory rotations, the end of my lonely off nights watching Netflix while lying on my bed, the end of chasing my cute little chihuahua and making her bed and preparing her food, the end of long drives home in the middle of the day from school and clinical sites, the end of the comfortable (oh, but numbing) routine I've miticulously carved for myself.
This has to end because I will be embarking on a new journey to find solace and peace for myself as well as look some definite answers to my questions about myself and my self preservations. This has to happen and that is why I have to say goodbye to all my friends and to all who are dear and close to me. I hope my decision of leaving and separating my self would benefit me in the end and I hope they will understand why I have to leave for a longer time.
I am being melodramatic here, I know. A month away does not permanently alter the fabric of my life. It is very possible, or even likely, that the things I leave will still be there when I get back. I'm young, but I've lived long enough to at least start to suspect that change is slow and subtle, not swift and severing. And that's yet another reason to hate good-byes: they imply a permanence that is not reality. Why must we bother with the farewells when most partings are really see-you-laters? If this is not the end, why do I have to get all worked up about it?
Because closure is suffocating..... Because punctuating a relationship is permanent..... Because people deserve to know what they are meant to me. And I have to better find some good way to tell them nicely and professionally, or else they will be surprise why I was no longer existing. Just in case you know, goodbyes is just a formality, that I will leave and that I will be back as well. It's temporary and we all be seeing again when I come back.
No comments:
Post a Comment