It seems that my hormones are in low supply again.... hehehe, or maybe it is a full moon lately...... I don't know. I feel so lazy that I don't want to get active at the moment. Ever since I've been teaching five days in a week during weekdays, which started three weeks ago, I don't have time to exercise again.
During weekdays I leave the house at 0630H to beat the nagging Los Angeles traffic then goes home at 1900H waiting for the traffic in the afternoon to abate. I got off work at 1630H from school but I have to stay for three hours more to wait for the traffic to slow down, by the time I left school at least the traffic should have abated or maybe minimized to the least.
By the time I got home it's already past 2000H and I'm already tired to go to the gym. I only go to the gym now at least twice a week. Sometimes if I'm extremely tired I just halt it down and opted to rest. I just don't want to overtire my body. I already lack motivation.
My eating habit was been also slowed down. I seldom eat. At work I only eat crackers and try to stay away from soda. I only took some coffee sometimes to wake me up especially when I work graveyard shift. My motivation to lose weight was been a roller coaster lately and I just can't keep up because of the demands of my job. It wears me out.
On the weekend I worked at the hospital and beat the graveyard shift but my body succumbed to fatigue eventually making me give up exercising and chose to sleep and rest instead. It is really tough to juggle between the demands of work and go to the gym to exercise. My body really gave up. My will power gradually crumbles. So I only opted to reduce my time exercising at the gym to twice a week giving more time to rest and recuperate the fatigue from work. It's my usual dilemma.
Now I'm faced what to chose between... my job or getting healthy. It's tough but I needed to have strict discipline..... I needed to have a huge motivation..... I needed to have extreme will power. I wish I could have superpower so that I could do whatever I want at a snap of a finger, but I have to face the reality that I am not. It's tough!
My birthday will be coming in a few weeks and I just refuse to get old. That's another reality I needed to swallow. My body was been aging and later on I have to accept the fact that I can do limited activities appropriate for the demands of the aging body. It's hard to accept that things are declining as we aged but that's how it is. That's why I have to maintain a healthy and happy lifestyle in order not to rush myself to old age.
I woke up earlier pumped up to go to the gym. I went to the restroom half asleep to pee and then when all the remnants of my sleeping hours were been peed out I suddenly felt not motivated to go, so I went back to the bed and lay down sheepishly covering myself with the warm downey comforter and went back to sleep silently.
The weather was kind of hot outside at 88 degrees at 1400H and that's the one also that kind of discouraged me to leave the house to exercise. Now, I have a lot of alibis just to evade going to the gym. It's so frustrating to know that I succumbed to being a weakling. I hate myself for doing that.
It's been an ongoing dilemma for me on what to do with regards to exercising. I needed a lot of discipline and motivation. It's hard living alone and procrastinating all the time. It defeats my goals and the purpose of being so inspired to do things that I needed to do. I can't resist to the temptation of laziness and then gave me a lot of resentments and repercussions that I can't decide solidly for myself. It's a shame and I'm embarrassed.
These things always happens not everyday but most of the time. I don't know what caused it but it's tough to face it. I wished my mom is still alive because she used to nag me if I feel lazy. She's my huge conscience every time I lagged off from my homeworks at school and she sees to it that I am active and moving all the time that's why I grew up as a skinny boy. I wish I could go back to my old self.
Now that mom is gone no one can tell me what is right or wrong. No one will tell me to do the right thing. I am more inclined to put myself to a downfall all the time because no one guides me.
I've been to a lot of situations where I made a lot of mistakes that I greatly regretted in my entire life and it's a tough act but the damage was been irreversible and it already happened. It's the things that I needed to change badly if given a chance to go back and repair it. But it's already too late because the damage was already there and could not be repaired anymore.
All I needed to do is to face the stinging and pinching truth and move on with my pathetic life. I am trying to appease myself sometimes but the guilt feelings was been haunting me all the time every time I remember all those weak moments of my life that I made grave mistakes. It's kind of reminding me that I am responsible of my actions and I have to suffer the consequences it had and I made. It's kind of regretful as well as distressing.
It is tough to get to a point of achieving my goals and it is a reality I have to face. I get to be motivated to make some conscious and unconscious effort to do it. Just like my exercises routines, I got to discipline myself roughly and toughly to do it to achieve positive and energizing results and doing it is really hard.
Sometimes I am just dragging myself to the gym without even the inspiration or motivation to be there. As long as I do it that day it's okay for me. It's just like being there physically but not mentally and emotionally (and soulfully as well). It's like punishing myself without even doing an unforgivable mistake. It's highly unlikely for me to be in that situation but believe me I am.
Aaah..... it's really tough facing the realities of life and for me I've been struggling my entire life to be better but it's really not enough. I can feel it in myself. Judging the outcome of my progress... I feel I'm still under the limit and I don't know when I can be over the passing line.
Only me and nothing else can answer that and I have to start and consciously act right now. Hopefully things will be okay along the way. God bless me.
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