Tough Love

Well, my orientation in ER was a very mind boggling initiation. Yet, it was a very challenging one and I learned a lot from it.

I was been with a lot of preceptors and I was kinda confused already. Some are very encouraging and some are not interested in teaching me leaving me to scrape my resources in order to survive the whole shift.

But the most challenging part was to be left out and have nothing to lean on except that I have to squeeze out all my wits and apply my own judgement in doing my own assessments. It seems that I am not welcome in this place but I have to be optimistic that I can do it.

I am always a positive person and I don't want to think that people are too passive to help me out. Probably I was wrong with my assumptions and I can't get rid of suspecting this kind of situations. I may be paranoid about it but I know I can hurdle such situations.

I am a person who is very introverted and I just keep it to myself even though I am hurt already. I always consider it as a challenge and it gives me a room to learn from my mistakes and a room to challenge myself harder and prove to those people that I can survive it even though they gave me tough love.

I got this two preceptors with the same encouraging personality but were so opposite in their teachings and from them I learned a lot because they were so hands on to me and they keep pushing my self to the limits.

One preceptor was a very encouraging one. She was very thorough in her explanations and I was never been intimidated by her. She was very accommodating and approachable and I always got some positive and encouraging feedbacks from her despite I made some minor mistakes. She is not condescending and was very patient in teaching me.

My other preceptor was supposed to be my primary preceptor but due to some health issues she was absent for many days and I missed out some days with her that's why I was bumped with several people to orient with thereby making me confused because of too much ideas and information that were suddenly infused to me and some are not even interested in teaching me the rigors of ER routines.

Now this other preceptor of mine was a very effective one. She is very smart and she knows what she's doing, although in some situations where we were so busy then she tend to get upset, lose her temper and patience with me.

I mean no negative feelings with her because I know I have learned a lot from her and I was so extremely challenged with her way of teaching me ER routines. What I don't like is that she yelled at me sometimes condescendingly in front of the staff which to my upbringing means a very embarassing situation.

In my whole life I never gotten yelled at by my parents and I was kind of hurt by it inside me yet I showed her some humility and gratefulness for taking time in effectively teaching me although I am still new to the unit.

What really hurts me is that she always pointed out that I am an experienced nurse for fifteen years and I still don't know what I'm doing. Although she used to say and slapped that to my face, I never retaliated at her and still was all smiles with her but inside me, I was already scarred and hurt. I never experienced this kind of tough love and abrassive comments in my entire life.

It was very degrading and defamatory where I was about to pop like a balloon and burst into tears but good thing I never showed it to her and I still held on to myself and not crying in front of her.

It was a very intimidating and embarrassing situation to be at. I know some staff over heard it but I still held the cutest smile and a thick face in front of them showing them that I was not affected but deep inside I was already bleeding and crying of shame.

My family friend who worked there advised me to be strong and be alert all the time of my decisions and actions because every body seems to be very unwelcoming to new staff like me. Although I sensed it initially when I started there but because of my will to learn some of the ER routines and actions I succumbed myself to all these tough love.

Tough love...... because I received a passive welcome and less acceptance. It seems that I only existed there as a props and of no value at all. But hey don't buy out props..... because sometimes they can be of good use.

Aaah..... I always bear in mind that I could not please people all the time. And I always feel that I tend to be judged and mistaken as a timid guy all the time and also frequently misunderstood in some cases. I don't know why....... but I think the aura I always emanated to them was not that very tantalizing to subdue or mesmerize other living and nonliving things.

But hey..... I am just a simple human being prone to be hurt, disgraced, and misunderstood, and that when you know me, will give you a lot of funny jokes and comical stories you won't forget in your entire life.

I know most of my first encounters will see me as timid and passive person but I always tell them I am like that because I'm still prepping myself to my acquaintances so that I get to know them well.

Every individual is unique and they shouldn't be misunderstood and be given tough love. It takes time to know someone and I hope people will give some time to know someone. It's just like having a baby and getting to know them well as they grow up.

For me as a newbie in ER I never expected to be treated with such tough love. I mean I can be as thick as a bark of the tree to fend off those negative comments but still I am also a human being prone to be hurt and embarrassed. Disgraced as I am but still has the guts to stand against the snares of shame and embarrassment.

Writing this blog made my tears continuously flow and my pent up feelings and emotions were released slowly. This is my avenue to express myself and my injured dignity. I thanked God for not letting me lose my temper and not answer back with my perpetrators although I was about to do it but He guided me to be strong in the midst of humiliation.

Time will come I will get over this and I will rise from the ashes of embarrassment and disgrace. I hope my patience will not stretch out and I will held on tight from the darkest moments of these challenges.

Thank you God for watching over me. Thanks also for the tough love you've given me.