Well, I came back here with the same story about my orientation in ER which was apparently extended because I was assessed that I needed more exposure to adult ER by my primary preceptor.
I already told you about my current experiences with my primary preceptor and lately it's been going downhill not that really to a point that she is killing me but to a point that she broke me into tears. I thought she mellowed down already but it even became worse last Saturday.
I was been following her during that not-so-busy Saturday night when she bombarded me with a lot of questions which I thought I answered well and she started to get irritated and impatient again asking me a lot of what ifs and whys. I felt I had answered all her questions well but she was not satisfied with it.
She kept pressuring me to tell her some more and I couldn't thought of anything else making her voice louder for everyone to hear. I got so frustrated and upset with her and I didn't hold on to my tears. I cried in front of her telling her that I tried my best to answer all her questions and she's not satisfied with it and she's till giving me a hard time.
When she saw me started welling my tears down my cheeks she pulled me aside and we went inside the night managers office which I think she was planning to do to ask help from her which I know was one of her cohorts but apparently when I started explaining with the manager she started to blame me that I wasn't listening at her, trying to tell her that it's my mistake after all.
I just let her talk and then when she's done I calmly explained still in tears to the night manager my side of the story. I just can't help crying inside there because I felt so crushed and frustrated already. I felt like a balloon which just bursted because of too much pressures.
I think the pent up emotions I kept from the previous days of orientation was been full already that's why I gave way. It was a relief though and I felt good after that.
The manager was been listening to my explanations intently and she asked me any recomendations on what to do to maximize my learning process during the orientation. I was thankful she was listening to me and was not one sided at all.
I told her that I cannot learn well if somebody is shouting at me and very condescending in their approach because I couldn't focus well if somebody is very hypercritical of what I am doing. It' s just like putting a racist person in front of me and saying that all my actions were wrong and that I don't have a right to be in ER.
I told her also that I got nervous if somebody is yelling at me and hurrying me up to do things thereby losing my focus on what to do, assess, chart, gather data, and document things I gathered. It was not a win-win battle between her and me and I burst out all my emotions there.
After that the manager had also laid out her recommendations and findings and we all agreed to do it and start all over again from there. Finally my prayers were all been answered and I can sigh a relief now that it was been taken cared of.
Now my responsibility is to focus on my orientation, learn as much as I can and focus on the details I need to improve. I didn't see that discussion will happen that night but I know God works it out for me so that my voice will be heard, too. I love you Lord.
After the discussion my primary preceptor was very mellow now and that she let me do things on my own and just correct me if I missed something. We planned some objectives and goals to be done for next week and we agreed and confirmed to do it.
It seems that everything had all worked out. Had I not cried and burst out that night I thought my orientation in ER will be a hell of a ride and will end up non-productive and full of dread, fear, hatred, and bad criticisms and assumptions. I was so thankful that everything was been patched up and that everything ahead was been planned out and will be okay.
Hopefully my dilemma had just ended from there and I will start a new day on Wednesday and Thursday when I come back. I am crossing my fingers very very intently and I hope everything will be all right that day.
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