Going Home To Texas For Closure

After I moved here in Los Angeles from Texas in 1999 I haven't had a bit of a news with some of my close relatives and friends living there. Now, I was kind of missing each and everyone of them. It was so unnerving but it's true.

I mean I love Texas and it was the first place where I lived eversince I came here from the Philippines in 1993. I came here as a young adult ready to seek for some greener pasture. And Texas is the first state where I landed a decent job.

I had a lot of memories from there especially in Houston after living with my cousins in Katy, TX for almost a year and eventually moved near the border of Mexico in McAllen, TX where most of my unforgettable memories abounds.

McAllen, TX is the place that is very close to my heart. I lived there for seven long years and had matured there as a very responsible adult. There I learned how to mingle with people of different cultures from Mexicans, Carribeans, African-Americans, Filipinos, Asians, and even Canadians. I learned to speak Spanish there and polish it real well by conversing to a lot of my Hispanic patients and friends.

The hospital where I worked at there taught me how to thrive against the odds, mixing with other people of different ethnic backgrounds, color, speech, and beliefs. It was unbelievable but I did it fruitfully. I survived living there, making friends with some fellow Filipinos who mostly and dominantly worked at the hospital, considered them as my family, and growing with them almost everyday. The friendship I found there was surreal and until now I cannot forget all those people who effected me and shaped up my life.

Now, I am planning to go back there in two weeks time meeting with the same people who were made close to my heart. I was a little bit nervous about this decision of going back there and was kind of adamant if all my expectations will be met when I'm there. But deep inside I am very excited seeing them in person. I just can't imagine how they will look like after several years of not communicating and corresponding with each other.

But I made my decision to go back and reminisce all my unforgettable memories. It will be Springtime when I go there so it must be apt to see the blue fields cascading and blanketed of bluebonnets and wildflowers. I missed the blue hue caused by these flowers and it is still fresh in my mind when we made a trip to one of the farm near San Antonio and toured the whole plantation full of these beautiful blue flowers blooming everywhere.

My other purpose of going back there is to see and commune with my first paternal cousins who I left before with hard feelings because of some indecisions that I made which they totally misunderstood. Now that I am fully responsible of myself and my own decisions I realized that I needed to go back with them and ask forgiveness for acting so immaturely when we last met or separated.

My only dilemma though is that I am not sure if they are still living in the same place where I left them off. But my tenacity to locate them may be will lead me to them. I know God will always be with me. May be some of my close friends will help me find them so that I can ask sorry and forgiveness for the misery, anger, and resentments I caused them after I left. By doing this, I can made closure to myself and to them to not worry about me now because I am doing great with my life.

I hope they will still love me as their little stubborn cousin and hope they will understand why I always wanted to be independent on my own and not depend on their mercy in order to thrive in this country. I know our separation had caused some strains within our family ties especially after my dad died in 1996 and I just wanted to make some closure with regards on this issue.

Although I felt nervous about this decision of mine but I feel that I needed to do this because until now, I can feel that the words that they had told me after we parted ways was still reverberating in my mind and still caused me guilt feelings and remorse. I don't know why I am like this but I know it really effected and affected me greatly, that's why I really struggled to pave my way to survive on my own.

After my exodus in 1999, I found a new environment here in Los Angeles living near my first cousins from my mother's side. I found new friends and was very satisfied living near with them. But still, my heart always long to go back in Texas and go back to my cousins and ask them forgiveness for everything that I've done.

And that I always dream that someday I can find some time and muster the courage to do that and hopefully this will be it. In two weeks time I will be flying back there and realized what I am longing to do before. I hope they will not brush me off and will accept me just like the way before.

Although, I dreaded the opposite but whatever the outcome is I will leave it to God. At least I made the effort to go back there and ask forgiveness if ever I hurt them so much. God be with me......