Another Trip Back Home

Today, July 19th, a Sunday, I will embark for another trip to the Philippines. This time to see my mom as a cold corpse inside a casket.

The first time I went home couple of weeks ago, I saw her alive, talking to me in a confused manner until she had an asthma attack that triggers her heaving breathing and there everything went worse.

This will be my last blog here in the United States and I will be gone for three weeks. I don't know if I can do some blogging there but I might try. I know my skeds will gonna be hectic there because of the wake and the burial. Planning those events already took a toll on me.

I am going home quite sick for some time with a nagging cough and a bad cold. My efforts to medicate the cough was futile. I still have a very productive cough and my chest is hurting every time I start coughing. I had a fever last night so I hope this would not end me up being quarantined when I stepped at the soils of the Philippines.

I have see to it that I brought a lot of vitamin C infused candies and necessary medications for the cold and cough. I even brought two packets of Zithromax just in case it will turn out to be viral. I am prepared for whatever will happen. I hope everything will come well when I get there.

My friend Kuya George helped me packed my baggages yesterday. We have to be sure that the exact weight for each baggage is attained to prevent me from paying the exorbitant fees being imposed for overweight baggages. It's so stressful and tedious doing some packing. I myself hated it.

So everything was been checked and doublechecked. I called my siblings back home and informed them about my second trip. I just want to be certain that somebody will pick me up at the airport. And I hoped I did not missed anything.

Now I am anxious about the trip. The same feeling I felt with the first one. This trip though is different because my expectations is to just bury my mom and have a little intimate talk with my siblings of what will happen after the burial.

I don't want to expect too much out of this trip. I am still mourning my mom's death and I am still grieving deep inside. I know this would be better for her rather than to suffer more but I still feel that I am still incomplete without her. And the fact that my goal of bringing her over to America was not been realized that added some guilt to me. My failure to convince her to live with me bugged me all the time. It was my ultimate goal to have her come see me in America but she preferred not to because of her love with her other children.

I know I was been selfish about my intentions but who can blame me. It is every son's dream to bring their parents to America. But my mom is different. She choses to live a simple life happily tucked away with the rest of her children and grandchildren. And I can't blame her for that.

Wherever she is now, I know she is happy about me and all my siblings. And I hope this second journey back home will find me the peace that I've been looking away from my guilt of not bringing her with me. I hope I will come to terms to all my worries and my apprehensions there and I am praying that it will be a problem-solving trip I'll ever had especially with my relationship with my siblings and immediate families.

And as an old song says..... que sera sera sera..... whatever will be will be. And I hope I will be ready to accept the real truth and bare consequences of every explanations I can gather for my worries. Cest la vie....