I Miss My Mom

Well, I was off yesterday and I got a text from my brother from the Philippines. It doesn't say anything but to call him right away. I felt a little cold down my spine because I know it pertains to my ailing mom.

My mom will be 74 years old in June 4. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease at a young age of 70. Alzheimer's disease is an elderly disease with a resultant loss of remote memories. And watching her succumb to this memory-reducing disease slowly pains me a lot. I went home last 2006 celebrating her 72nd birthday with pomp and posh. She was excited at that time, and happy to see me with mixed emotions but it hurts to see her smiling at me without even remembering me.

When I arrived at the airport my sister brought my mom with her to pick me up and as I kissed my mom's face she was kind of perplexed at me. When I asked her if she recognized me, she vehemently says no, but I can see the confusion in her deep-seated-eyes. I immediately broke out into tears upon hearing it because I can feel how painful it is that my own beloved mom denied my existence in her midst.

I just hold off my emotions and cautiously hugged her instead. I introduced myself at her and she tried to hold and feel my face with her two scrawny hands. I can see in her exploring eyes, as we are come face to face, that she was trying to check me out, intently caressing my permed long hair and softly running and touching her already wrinkled hands on my facial features trying to double check if I was really her long awaited youngest son who live far from her and whom she loved and adored dearly. Then she suddenly hugged me tightly and childishly sobbed a little bit. I immediately assured her that's it's okay not to recognize me because I understand her fragile situation. Then she tightly held and shook me on both my hardened shoulders telling me; "I thought you were my older neighbor's son?" And now I realized that she's talking nonsense to me.

Alzheimer's disease is a debilitating neurological disease that affects older people's brain function and thinking, mostly their past memories. They couldn't remember yheir remote memories and experiences and they appear confused, exhausted, and even depressed at times. And my mom suffered all these symptoms.

Constant reminder will help them like placing calendars in the room to remond them for time, placing old family pictures for them to remind their loved ones, giving them independence in doing activities of daily living, providing them routine activities and care so that they'll remember it all the time. They easily get provoked and depressed because of the chemical imbalances happening in their body. And they are extremely emotional and labile.

After she retired early at the age of 60 years and suffered two major strokes, my mom's health status gradually declined. Adding to her symptoms was that she also had a major depression when my big brother got missing after his cargo ship where he used to work sank somewhere in the Indian Ocean near Bangladesh after they encountered a sea storm in 1992; my dad's early demise at 55 years old because of a chronic renal failure; and her beloved children who eventually grew up, having their respective families, and moved out or live away from her because of job responsibilities.

After her 72nd birthday she was also diagnosed with a benign glioma, a type of brain tumor which is slow occuring and inoperable. Survival rate is not that good but a person may survive many years, which prolonged her life for two years and still counting, but she was been to a lot already. She has on and off bouts of minimal but controlled seizures which lasted for seconds and her respirations got tachy or fast at times because of the growing tumor that compressed her fragile and delicate brain and increased her intracranial pressure which also stimulated her occasional nausea and vomiting.

It was so ironic that I was not at her side all the time to take care for her. As a knowledgeable health servant I should be the one taking care of her to pay her back of her unconditional motherly love for me and my six siblings. We are a big family and my mother is really hands-on at us when we were little. She was a very respectable and accomplished elementary teacher and I really look up at her strong and compassionate personality.

But I couldn't do it, I couldn't be at her side all the time, because I worked so far away from her. So I made an agreement with my siblings that I will shoulder her medicine, hospitalization and every thing that she needs, as she spend some of her remaining days in this earth.

I always hope and pray that she will last till next year so that we can celebrate her 75th birthday with a big party and grand celebration. But I just received this unexpected text yesterday heralding me of the bad news. I called my brother as soon as I got the text and asked him to set-up the webcam so that I can see her through the computer and he willingly complied immediately.

I excitedly turned on my laptop and webcam and we were online in a short time. As my mom appeared gradually on the camera, I almost broke out into tears because I can vividly see how haggard she is; how she unconsciously chased her fast-paced breathing; and how emaciated, malnourished, and bedridden she is. I felt a sudden prick of guilt in me because I really felt that I am responsible that she suffered this much.

I immediately talked to her through the microphone and the moment she heard my voice she immediately perked up and hoarsely called my name. As her haggard voice called my name I sobbed and cried suffocatingly inside my lonely room. She managed to make an impish smile and asked me where I am at that moment. I cautiously reminded her that I live far from her. She was sad upon realizing what I've just told her but I confidently assured her that I will make some reservations to come visit her at the end of June which immediately changed her depressed mood and brightens her saddened face again. I felt a lot of hurt, guilt, and pain seeing my dear mother suffering and telling me that she's okay when I know that she's not. I know she doesn't want me to worry about her situation but honestly I am extremely worried about her. That I felt she will eventually gave up and leave us.

I can see the strong mother I have slowly eaten up by this debilitating brain disease and it really pained me a lot to see her suffer. I told my siblings who willingly gathered around her bedside to ask the doctor to prescribe her some oxygen to allay her fast breathing and to make the most of her days happy and more dignified.

I also asked her what she needs or wants at that moment, but she strongly asked me for a confession and communion of her soul. I really cried a lot because she really wanted to end all of this and that she wanted to go home to her Father, our Lord. I am so pained and depressed. But I am also happy that she remembered me the moment the camera opened.

I know I won't be seeing her alive soon but it lifted my feelings and spirit to see her even if it's online. I just hope and pray that she will be happy upon seeing me and that she will be satisfied and fulfilled when she goes and gave way.

Now I felt so void, so empty, and lonely after the webcam went off and have to get out of my place and find a quiet place for me to pray and think alone clearly. I really missed my mom a lot, my friend, and my counselor. She is my rock and I always treasure her in my heart. Hope everything is well for her and that I can see her when I get home.

Mothers are always our refuge when we were little. And my mom really is the most unforgettable mom I had. I am proud to have her and I thanked God for giving her to me. If given another chance I will willingly choose her again as my mom. I love you mom!