Just Venting Out

So far, I am kind of confused right now. I am still working and today is my last day then off for a two day off again. I've been doing it for a long time but it seems that I am still in a haze and doesn't know my schedule. I am pathetic..... maybe I have dementia already.

My life has been always hectic and I didn't have any idea idea what have happened because they always happened so quickly that I tend to forget them anyway as the days elapsed. I am a person who doesn't want to be nostalgic with the events in my life and if that happens then I might be another person.

Since I live dher in America my life was been about work and nothing else. I have to save money for the rainy days. Keeping up with two jobs is not easy and I have to be very active with it because I am still helping my five little nephews and nieces in my homeland going to school. It's still a long way for me because they're still in elementary.

Well, I just cannot left them out nowhere because my brother has no job and besides he is illetirate and had not finished any college. So basically I am the one who will be responsible for the kids education for that's the only one I can give to them in order to succeed in life. Then it will be their problem later on if they would not strive hard in their studies. They were lucky because I am still here to support them.

That's my plight as a very charitable uncle. That's why I remained to be single because I don't want to make my life even more complicated. It's been complicated already and I just don't want to add more complications to make it even more complicated. Yes, it is good to have my own family but the responsibility will be enormous have I make another one. My brother is to blame for it because it was his responsibility in the first place to send his kids go to school. I hope he'll realize that, how I sacrificed myself for them.

But the sad thing is they don't realized it. As long as they can get as much as they could from me it is okay for them. And honestly it really sucks for me. Well, maybe that's my fate.... to sacrifice for the sake of the family. I hope my brother will realize how hard it is for me. I hope that someday they will be enlightened how much pressure it is to shoulder those kids education to secure their future. It is very hard.... I am telling you.

Albeit, what I have to do is just suck it up and swallow the responsibility. To hel with tradition. To hell with family. To hell with me. Honestly, I am sick and tired of this shit already. I am sick and tired of it. But I have to lose the game for the sake of the kids. Actually, there is no game here.... it's just that I am really stressed out about this. I am so pathetic.... I guess. I know I can solve this but I am not brave enough to face the consequences because I know it will just backfire on me in the end. And I'm the one to get blamed. I am helpless.......

I am helpless.... and nobody can help me. I am on my own on this struggle. And I leave it all to prayers. Despite of all this struggles I still leave my fate to God. That's how it is. Leave it to God and He will sustain me for this. Hope I will stood tall amongst the hardships...... I have to or else I will lose the battle. This journey is really tough and I have to toughen my guts to face the aweful truth. Yeah.... I have to!