Early Stage Of Dementia: Scary

It seems that the computer at work has a mind of its own. I cannot blog for two days that is why I was lagged for several days. I already forgot what's in my finicky mind. It seems that I have to document what I was thinking right away and this computer glitch had hindered me to blogged what I was thinking. Bummer!

I thought of having an early stage of dementia at 44-years-old. OMG! I can't believe I am 44-years-old already. Time seem like had been passing by so fast. I am old..... and I have to face the fact that I am forgetting things all at once. A sign that I always dreaded for..... scary I guess.

I have had encounters of people who had forgotten their memory at the nursing homes where we were doing our clinical rotations in my teaching job and it pained me looking at those elderly people to go through it. It must be very difficult and scary for them. The rigors and the frustrations of not remembering situations that had happened a minute ago or some events that had happened remotely was frightening..... I guess. I had visions that I may be experiencing those sometimes.

I am a person who always knows where I put my things no matter how messy my room is but as I aged I have noticed that I am not that person anymore. I kept forgetting where I placed some of my important stuff and it frustrates me sometimes. Coming on in terms with the unforeseeable situation like this must be difficult to the families of this patients and I envisoned it on myself as well. Good thing I am away from my family. And good thing they will never experienced it.

Judging with my family's background I have had some grandparents and immediate families who have history of dementia and Alzheimer's Disease. I have recalled that my immediate grandmother from my mother side had manifestations of dementia. It was apainful process for my mom to see her own mother succumb to such an unforgivable condition. Seeing my granny degrading like a baby was very delicate for me.... it is still fresh in my mind.

Then my mother follow suit after she incurred a stroke at the age of 70. It happened very fast and we didn't even anticipate it to happen that quick. As a health care person I see with my own eyes how my mom lose her senses and being extremely confused sometimes. She even succumb to a deep depression which had really altered her memory to a point that she couldn't remember each one of us .... her own children.

We redirected her gradually but it didn't worked and she slowly paced down herself until she become debilitated. I was the one who was really hit and hurt most feeling the whole process as I am the one who knows what was happening to her. She was really fragile and vulnerable at that time and I am the one who is extremely vulnerable and affected.

Now, I can't believe that I am manifesting slightly those signs and symptoms as well. Or am I just paranoid about it because of the memories that those situations had affected me greatly? Or am I just picturing myself regarding my past experiences with the situation? I don't know...... As a nurse it was really not an advantage to know a lot of medical conditons and terminologies because I tend to apply it to myself most of the time. I feel like I am a hypochondriac.....

Needless to say about this.... I am really scared that I might be prone to losing my memory. Whatever will happen in the future I just hope that I will not suffer just like my granny and my mom and that my family will not worry so much because of me. It's okay for me to worry about them but not to worry about me for I love them so much.

As I am blogging right now it amused me how my ideas were been flowing like a dripping faucet. I just can't contain my amusement and I have to express it here. Sorry.... Bye for now.