Yes..... the anticipation starts to escalate as my impeding long vacation to Mexico is looming right at the corner. What awaits for me there is a big question mark. I myself doesn't know what will happen. All I know is that I am going there to improve my Spanish and that's it. Hopefully, my goal will be realized. I am not really excited for the apprehensions had numbed me for it.
Despite how I felt I still can't imagine what to expect. I've been to Mexico several times yet I never felt like this before. If there's a chance to back-out I might probably consider it but it's too late already. I am just apprehensive and I think it is normal for a traveler to feel like that. I hope for the best though and hopefully everything will turn out well.
I've been slaving myself to work for seven days so that I can have a two days off before I left just to a lot it for the packing. Honestly, I haven't packed yet. Hopefully, I will manage to make it easy. So this coming Tuesday, I might rest off and then do the packing on Wednesday once I recuperated from my fatigue of working for seven straight days. I am happy that I finally took a personal decision to take a break from my very hectic schedule. It had really burned me out so I needed this much needed brake. Thank God!
My trip had not sunk in yet. I never felt excited about it. All I wanted to do right now is to finish working seven days then plan out about it. I knew all the hotels were booked and reservations were all made. All I needed to do is to plan out every day activities so that this trip will be fruitful and productive. Hopefully, it will be fun.
My anxiety right now was up to the brim. It had made me numb that's why I never felt eager and excited about it. I am just not focused about it for I have a lot in my mind lately. A lot of problems had surfaced it. The problems with my car, the typhoon tragedy in the Philippines, finishing up my schedule before embarking on this long vacation and a lot of things that had cropped up and made me worry too much. It was mind boggling.
Excitement is not the priority now. I felt that I have to take things one at a time so that I can focus well. Thinking or worrying of the unknown defeats my ability to make wise decisions and now this anticipatory anxiety had rendered me not fully focused to my goals. It's strange for me to be like this. Procrastination is not my cup of tea but it is happening I guess. I am really scared of the outcome. Haist.
I guess I am making my life very complicated when things seems easy. I don't know what is happening to me. Could it be because I am lonely or maybe depress. See... I am still on a verge of denial. I still refuse to accept that there is a problem about me. It really had affected my judgement and clouded my decisions. I am not behaving the way I am before.
The apartment needs a lot of cleaning and organizing and doing my chores was even been set aside because I am busy. I always made my fatigue and hectic schedule as an alibi to not tackle and handle my responsibilities well when in fact there is something wrong about me. And it affected my decisions and preparation for this trip for I haven't accomplished anything yet. Even doing the packing was not yet done. It seems that the answer for me is to cram just like I've been doing all the time when I was still in college.
I dreaded this kind of habit but I let it to happen. I know I can hurdle this challenge yet I never started the first step yet. Thinking of it just worried me so much but I have to face this setback alone and no one else. My mind says to plan but my body was really tired and begged for rest. That's why I haven't done anything yet because my mind and body are clashing each other which made me highly anxious and apprehensive.
Hopefully, this vacation will be a soul searching experience to make me aware of my self subservience. I have to walk the walk for there is no one else to help me. I am more mature enough to do this so I have to rely on my inner belief and skills to face the odds. This trip is also intended for knowing my strengths and weaknesses and it will be a good avenue to pinpoint what's needed to be eliminated and what's needed to be change.
Challenge comes in many forms and for this I have to equip myself with courage to face the odds. The odd is I don't know what will I face and I have to be ready for what will be coming. Hopefully, I will be ready and will make wise decisions in the end. I am just hopeful that this trip will change me and make me more brave to face every thing that life will throw on me. I hope I will not falter and will end up victorious in the end. So help me God.
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