I've been off for three days and I've been sulking in my cold lonely pad for two days now ignoring all the invitations of my friends and families for the Christmas Holidays. I don't know what had happened to myself lately but I am just shunning the world totally. I felt that Christmas for me this year was been probably stolen by the Grinch literally, I don't know. I felt it but I didn't do anything to have it back. Maybe I am indeed trying to prove something to myself, who knows.
It's quite a bit hurried lately for me. I've been working for six consecutive days and now that I'm off I've been very lazy. I just wanted to sleep all the way trying to recoup all the energies I've spent for the last six days. It hit me to the brim and all of a sudden I just procrastinated, a bad habit I've always harbor.
I've already done my Christmas shopping and all the presents were been wrapped and delivered properly to the right persons last week. I've already sent the Christmas cards trying to convey the spirit of the holidays to all my families and frineds all over the world. I also did my Christmas visits to the two elderly people I usually visit every year on Christmas and I've already spent time with both of them for a lunch last Friday. I didn't really expect that they still live because they were very old already but I bow for their resilience to live. Now, I have nothing to do.
Yesterday was Christmas Eve and I just stayed at my apartment in total darkness. Not really pitch dark because I lit some candles on a matching red-green-white votives, resembling the Christmas spirit which I placed on the window sill near my bedroom. It was just the only lights that had illuminated all over the place and by mere looking at it I felt so relaxed which even put me to sleep immediately. I just sleep and sleep until I regained my energy the whole night. When I woke up the next morning I was greeted with tons of Christmas wishes on my phone and my Facebook wall. It was overwhelming despite of the fact that I shunned myself for the ornate festivities. Quite ironic but I think it works though.
I have a goal to loss some weight this holiday so I decided not to eat so much and of course refrain from crashing to parties. And by sulking yesterday had totally worked for me because I kind of having an excuse of myself as an alibi from getting invited to someone's party and trying to debauched myself from eating so much with some delicious and good holiday foods. Although I missed the spirit of the holiday at least I stayed true with my goals.
I remember the story of the Grinch instead, trying to ruin someones Christmas but the little girl was very persistent in befriending him and trying to deeply understand him because she felt that there is some goodness in him. Well, the Grinch's story was kind of complicated because he was a loner like me and in order to get back from the people who did him wrong he has to steal their gifts and destroy their Christmas decorations and preparations so that Christmas in his place will not be observed albeit celebrated. In the end he had a change of heart and celebrated it with the people he did wrong for what is Christmas anyway without forgiving someone who owed him.
As for me, I am living alone and for being alone I have the autonomy or independence to decide what I can do. It's good though that my friends and families are inviting me to join them for the festivities but the problem was on me because I have set some plans to trim down and as a part of the plan I have to refrain from eating too much during the holidays. Although it is not the apt time for me to do it I have to stick to my goals or else it won't be very effective.
I did pray and wished something for myself, my families, and friends and hoping that it will come true. I think I'm still in tune with the whole celebration because deep inside I missed all my childhood memories about Christmas. I missed the Christmas caroling from house to house, I missed the "Misa de Aguinaldo", I missed the "puto bombong", I missed the "queso de bola" during "noche buena", I missed the "sopas", I missed the "parol" and "belen". I missed everything that is connected to Christmas in the Philippines.
It's just sad that I am residing now in the USA. I have to do everything on my own. And Christmas here is kind of drab if you're living by yourself alone. Depending on how you'll color Christmas on your own then you can totally feel how it is. For me celebrating simply is cool because I am just by myself and I can't complain anything more. Preparing dinner for myself is just a piece of cake and I am contented of it. Highlighting it by listening to Filipino Christmas carols from YouTube had even added more flare ala Filipino style. Quite resourceful but it works.
No matter how we celebrate Christmas on our own terms still we have the same goal of remembering our Saviour's nativity. Celebrating it by myself is not really that memorable but I have no qualms at all. As long as in my heart I had fulfilled all my goals especially my visits at the nursing home and delivering my gifts to people who needed it is already a joy for me. What is Christmas anyway without giving? If not, then why are we celebrating it in the first place? Just laying out my lonely not-so-festive Grinchmas. Have a nice day to all!
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