I'm not on my usual self lately. I felt so tired all the time as if I'm melting always like butter. I just wanted to lie down on my bed, sulk inside my four-cornered bare room, and catch up for my precious sleep. It's very unusual of me to be like this. I felt that my body always needed this very important sleep to get recharged.
My usual life consists of work, apartment, eat, doing chores, and sleep. The cycle goes on and on and on. I don't even have time for any socialization right now. Unlike before when I was younger I always have found some moments to be productive, sometimes watch movies in series and go to party, but not anymore.
My life seems very boring as I started to ascend my age ladder. I just focused more on work work work and nothing else. I have even no more time for myself. Not even have time to go to the gym and do some of my routine exercises. My life is always a drag and there's not too much excitement anymore.
I think this is what I've got for choosing to be away from my immediate family and for deliberately choosing singlehood. I believe this is already the curse that I've got for choosing to be alone and living away from my loved ones.
Life is constantly changing and I think as I aged I feel that life is getting so hectic because of the threat that I may not be living that long so I tend to rush everything so that I can catch up for the last train.That's why I neglected myself and my right to be happy.
My life is always very simple way back in the Philippines when I was young. Living with my parents is always not easy but I prefer it to be like that. They always expect me to do my own share of responsibility inside the household. And that's where I learned a lot of things about myself and about the whole wide world. They were very supportive in everything that I do and choose. I still missed those times when I was with them.
Now that I am a grown up, I tend to do everything on my own. I learned all things on my own in one time. I learned to be more independent, self-sufficient, and subservient. It was a lonely life but I learned to manage living it contentedly. I just wanted it to be as simple as it is but it's already a complicated one. A very boring life but I have to accept it because this is the one I choose. And I must stand with what I have decided.
As long as I have a job it's okay with me. I must be thankful that I have a very stable job especially during this time where the economy is very unstable. At least I can still suffice my needs with what I've earned and I am contented with that.
Emotionally, I am still okay I guess. I know I am a very strong person and I know I can always find some avenue to amuse myself and become emotionally stable. I always have time though to volunteer and touch other's life so that gave me some inspiration to get going with my life. This is the only one that can spark some spirits into my life. And I do this not out of desperation but because I like it.
My works with the children in the hospital always inspired me a lot. Children always light up my day all the time. They always gave me hope to keep going and be inspired. It is already enough for me to be of service for them all the time. They are always my family and will forever will be on this other part of the world.
My circle of friends here in the United States is not that stable. I don't have that much very close friends. But in order to sustain my social life I chose to teach in a nursing school to mingle with the students and the teachers as well. Even my co-workers at the hospital is not that as casual as a friend relationship. It's just plainly work and colleague relationship. But at least it still sustained my social life's aspects.
Psychologically, I think I am just lonely and worried to die early. I always have that fear that I will leave this earth at a very young age. Well, actually I kind of like that rather than stay in a hospice and die there alone. That's why as much as possible I am saving when that time comes and I feel I am ready to face it whenever that time comes because I feel that I have saved enough now for the safekeeping of my own corpse.
At this period of time my focus is for my own safety and what I will leave to my immediate family when I am gone on this earth. Death is inevitable so we have to always prepare for the worse. It pains me to make a blog about this but this is just the reality that I have to face. We always have to think of what will happen now and what lies ahead. We have to bury what was in our past. Past happened to be reminisced and learned upon but not to dwell on.
We always have to forge on and make life more meaningful, satisfying, and memorable so that when we leave this earth we can be proud that we will leave a legacy that your love ones, friends, and people you affected and effected should cherish and remember.
Life is too short..... keep the most of it and keep it meaningful and memorable. Life is a good thing that happened to each and everyone of us and we have to cherish it and be thankful for it because every life that we had is always special.
It is okay to complain about life because shit always happen. Life is like a wave sometimes your up and sometimes your down so complaining about it is always normal. We couldn't always stay on top and sometimes we couldn't always stay down below. We always try our best to succeed and triumph that's why we always struggle for the best. I never heard somebody struggling for the worse and if there's any then that's not normal. Life always thrive and kept going.
Though how boring life is, yet we must know how to spice it up and make it more satisfying. We always have to learn from our own delicate past. Life has always something good or bad to offer so that we will learn from it and make it more worthwhile. Celebrate life all the time for it is the best gift that we ever had.
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