About Friendship

I've been sick for two days now, and I have nothing to do at home. I've been nursing myself alone from the nagging cough, bad sore throat, and intermittent fever I've got from a current flu infection. I felt so horrible and bored to death staying at home and staring at the four corners of my room. I am going crazy.

Well, this infirmity had really brought me intimate moments for myself alone. Just by mere lying there on my soft bed alone, it gave me a deep thought and realization, thinking about things that were very dear and important to me.

You know what's really boggling my mind now? Well, I was thinking about how close is my relationships with my friends, close friends, and best friends. I always questioned how loyal they were to me.

Now that I am very ill, I am really famished for some filial presence that really make me feel so loved and important. And I really needed to know now how really intimate I am with my close friends. That I wanted to know who really thought of me, now that I am sick and who were not.

I am longing for something like a presence of friend at my side, telling me that I was been cherished because of my good camaraderie. I thought of my best friend Kuya George. We've been best friends for almost ten years and it's been a while that I haven't seen him. You know why? Because I had a little fight with him lately about our friendship. It's really a long story but to cut it short, I really doubted Kuya George's loyalty for me.

I hope all my premonitions were wrong. But I know I still really doubted him about our friendship. Even before when we started this close bond, I already had a feeling but I always blindly shut it off me. Although I am entitled for my own opinion I still have to give him some benefit of the doubt. But lately, I acted so abruptly that I have to sever my ties with him. It hurts but I have to do it because I don't want to get hurt more later. Here's my explanations why...........

There were always an occasion that Kuya George just call me whenever he needs my company. Like if I called him sometimes on my off days he doesn't answer his phone but if he's the one who's off, like every weekend, he always calls me eventhough he knows that I am always working every weekend. But during weekdays that I am off he's with other friends and not even responding to my phone calls.

I even paid up his gym pass for a lifetime thinking that our friendship will last for a lifetime but I was wrong about that. I even lend him some money whenever he came short with his apartment rents. Or sometimes lend him some money if he needed it for emergency purposes and I didn't even asked him to pay it right away. Sometimes he'll pay me a year after and that's okay with me or sometimes not at all and it's still okay with me because I know he is my best friend. and he doesn't appreciate that.

I feel that he is just taking advantage of me. Like everytime we go out and eat out or watch a movie, I am always ending up paying for everything we ordered, bought, and watched instead of splitting it up. You know what's his reason? Because I am an RN/BSN and he's just a simple CNA. What's the distinction there? We were just the same working and paying up our bills. Such opportunist!

And everytime I have my birthday he didn't even bother to call me and greet me on my special day. I mean I really don't demand it from him but at least you know just for being a best friend he should have the tenacity to at least remember his close friend's special day. Well, he always reasoned out that he's always busy and that he forgot it totally. Well, that really turned me off. I just brushed it off sometimes because I still value our close friendship.

The one that really irk me and hit me rock bottom of my rage had just happened this holiday season. Last Christmas I was expecting for him to call me. I didn't really bother to call him because I was really planning to test him if he will really call me or not. It was almost midnight on Christmas Eve when I realized that he didn't call me, so I decided to just eat alone my Christmas treats, anyway I am used of living by myself.

The next day Christmas Day, there's still no call. I was so impatient already so I decided to give him a ring on his celfone. You know what happened? He told me that he was in Las Vegas with his other friends. Well, hello what about your best friend here waiting last night for you to greet him? You didn't even bother to call him last night on Christmas Eve.

There and then, I was already full and had scraped my full cup. So I told him that he was very insensitive and an oppotunist. I can't really hold off my overflowing anger that time and I just keep ranting at him some bad words on the phone. I mean, I regretted doing it to him but I am already overstretched that time. You know the feeling of being choked up already.

He didn't even consider how important our friendship is. I don't even understand why? For me I really have to treasure everything we had shared as friends especially when you consider someone as a...... best friend.

I mean, there is a huge distinction between a mere friend from a close friend and a best friend. These three definitions really differ a lot from each other.

For me a friend is just a casual acquaintance who you happen to know in a small amount of time and place. Whereas a close friend is the one you know and had a close bond with each other and sometimes see each other often in some occasions and functions. While a best friend is the one you really trusted yourself. He or she is the one you've been loyal with and had opened your life's secrets, nooks, bends,  and heartaches. So there's really a lot of distinction, difference, or bar among this three definitions.

So now that I lost one of my bestfriends, I really feel that it's just me now against the whole big world. Although I loved to live and explore my surroundings independently I still feel that making friends is still essential to make life more fulfilling.

It's just like marriage.... you take it and live with it responsibly. Well, although my lost will be someone's gain yet acquiring back my autonomy is the sweet success I just have achieved. I may be sour graping but would it be fulfilling to do things you want to do without even somebody bothering you?

That would be eating and having the whole pie with you without even thinking  that somebody will have to share for it with you. It would be a selfish idea but I'd rather have to live alone rather than pissing of myself with opportunistic people who doesn't even know how to be senstive and considerate of other people's emotions.

Well, it really feels bad to know that our close and intimate bond will just go to waste but I am tired of always giving second, third, or even fourth chances. Enough is enough and I have to continue with my own life not minding how close we were before. Well, he choses it to be like that and I am sick and tired of it already. It's a silly idea but I have to be more practical now.

Now I have to go on and just consider these things as a very bad dream. I really feel so dejected, sad, and rejected that it all ends like this. What a waste really!