Reflections

It's 4 am in the morning, sleep was so evasive. I am thinking hard about what had happened to me the previous months. I am in a mood of reflecting all the events that occured to me lately. It was a quiet time for me to flashback everything.

I remember this same time of July 10, still fresh in my mind, back when I was in the Philippines constantly watching over my mom in the hospital. She was coughing so hard and called on me.

She told me that she needed a cough medicine so I told her that I will be back to ask the nurse to prescribe the cough medicine. I have to obtain the prescription and buy it from the nearby pharmacy. When I came back and about to give her the medicine my mom was already unconscious.

At that time, I already had the feeling that she will leave me. I can still vividly recalled my tears flowing from my eyes as I ran to the nurses station and tell them to wake up the doctor and told her of my mom's pitiful condition.

Right there and then I already prepared myself that she will leave me. I painstakingly spoke good things and memories to her even though she couldn't respond well to me but only with a slight nod, moan, and a nagging cough.

With her deplorable condition it is impossible for me to bring her back to normal. I have to make her last moments memorable so I never left her side that time. Her constant wheezing and gasping for air aggravated her condition and I was extremely hurt to see her suffer that way.

I already prepared myself that she will leave me that day. So I informed my siblings and my nearest relatives of her bad condition.

My flight to Los Angeles was on that day, too, and I have to leave to take care of some business and at the same time file my leave-of-absence at work and postpone my flight and vacation to France on July 13th. I have no choice, but to leave her. But I promised to be back in a weeks time.

I never see her last breath and passing peacefully but I already prepared myself that she will pass away that day. I felt guilty leaving her but I'm sure she will understand.

I told her that morning that I have to leave to prepare everything when she goes. I also told her that she don't have to worry who will take care of her until her last moments because I am there willing to take and handle the responsibility. And I promised her that I will come back once everything was been taken cared of.

True to my promise, I came back to the Philippines seeing my mom inside her beautiful and expensive casket, wearing a rose pink embroidered Maria Clara dress, which she requested to me while she was alive.

She looks as if she was just sleeping soundly without any worries of the human existence on the soft small silk pillow placed underneath her head.

Her make-up was a simple blush of pink and mauve and she appears very elegant and pretty. Her lipstick was been brushed lightly of a deep red coated with a sheer silk lip gloss on her thin lips.

I was contented of the way my siblings prepared her while I was away and I was so happy that all I promised my mom was been fulfilled and realized. I cannot ask for more but for the best for her.

Her flowers as she requested should be white crysanthemums and mums all throughout the wake. And true to that promise I kept what I told her. And I felt she really deserved all those pampering even until her last days here on earth.

It's really true that life doesn't hold any guarantees. We have to die and leave our place her on earth.

And to my mom, reflecting back on her last days, I can say that she is well served by me. I was just thankful to her that she waited for me to take care of her until her last days. Thank you, mom.

Even I worked far from her, I never left her behind and she knows that. I may be living alone in Los Angeles but I always think of her all the time. I sacrificed a lot for her, giving up living near her to work far from her with only a phone call bridging between us.

I will surely missed her and I am sure she does, too, for me. But I know she is always here with me all the time now that she is with our Lord, watching over me.