A Soldier In The Rain

Hello guys.... I am back here again after a two weeks vacation from the Philippines taking care of my ailing mom. After being with her for a short time I realized what I've accomplished with her matronly guidance. Without her I am not in my current position and standing. She's the best mom I've ever had. And now that she's gone I felt that I am a soldier standing alone in the pouring rain.

I know I've lagged with my blogging here because of those busy days spent for her care but I know you all will understand. I tried to blog but the ones that I made did not went through after I dedicatedly and deligently wrote it for an infusing one hour. My niece internet connection signal on her laptop is not that good so when I send my featured blog about my escapades in Guimaras it was gone out of nowhere and I realized I couldn't retrieve it anymore.

Now, I have to gather my thoughts after all those busy moments I've been with my mom. Seeing her chasing her breathe and eventually giving up after talking to all her children, I saw her ready to go and it breaks my heart seeing her suffer that way, but I know she is a strong-willed woman and I know she's so fulfilled about our own fate and destiny when she willingly closed her eyes and left her borrowed life.

I know we all have to go back to our Creator eventually and I have to admit that we are all destined to be accountable for what we have done all through out the years that we live and looking back for all those unfolding memories it makes us shudder, wince, laugh, sad, and even cry. It makes our life complete to see that everything is in order when we return our borrowed life to Him.

As I was contemplating in my lonely room I was thinking about all those last short days that I've been with my mom. It was good to see her alive but sad to see her suffer and struggling to hold on to her last breath. I felt so numb and void. My senses seems empty and anesthetized by those intimate spent moments with her so I turned on my iPhone and played sad songs.

Listening to England Dan and John Ford Coley, which is my favorite band of all times because of their story-telling and cool-folk-countryish music, it makes me reminisce everything from the past when my mom is trying to see to it that I am well taken cared of as I grow up.

Here is the lyrics of the song which really touched me a lot and is related to my past memories as I grew up. I will write and enclose the verses in apostrophe and longingly interpret it recalling my past experiences with her.

"The morning clouds are gathering around as I stand on the bridge of river. Years have gone since I was here and I wonder how I differ. Taxicabs keep rolling by and a blind man asks for a change. And here I am a soldier in the rain".

Well, my life as it seems has a lot of ups and downs. As I stand here trying to remember all my past memories as years elapsed I started to wonder how it went and how it become. I went to school and finish college with flying colors, with my mom's guidance. I can see that her unconditional love really helped me pull through the roughs and toughs of life. It was her who started to mold me as a high achiever and I can see now that whatever I've achieved I still have to go back to her and repay whatever she'd done, which I know I couldn't make because of her unconditional love, dedication, and perseverance as a mother couldn't be repayed or bought with money but with the same degree of unconditional love and commitment to serve her back or even more than that.

"Coming home was all I thought of... seeing my family and friends. They say love knows no distance but the lonely never ends. And all along the dreams that possessed my heart never were to plain. And here I am a soldier in the rain."

As I live far from her, I couldn't help thinking about her. I always dream of coming back home, seeing her, and my family and friends. But I have to sacrifice distance and time in order to help her needs. She's not asking for any payments for what she'd done to me as I reaped success but as a loving son I have to because that's how I love her and I couldn't repay her for whatever she'd done but by working away from her and following my calling. They say love knows no bounds and distance and my longing to be with her never cease or stopped, and thanks to technology that I could reached her in just a nick of time. But my life still seems empty even though I've achieved a lot of things in my life. My heart never been the same again without her and she always gives me strength and encouragement to pursue life after all.

"I remember years ago I had so many plans. And now I watch the river flows, time has brought me here with empty hands."

Long time ago, when I first came to America I had a lot of selfish plans for her. I planned to petition her and bring her to live with me. But she is so stubborn and not willing to gave up her motherly role and leave her remaining children from the country. And I felt she betrayed my plans and doesn't love me anymore and wants me to be alone but now I understand her strong intentions and how she feels. I now understand how worried she is about her remaining children when she's gone living with me. So I struggled living on my own, feel lonely and live alone. And as I kept fulfilling my dreams and following my calling I could not stop thinking of her all the time. Life is always empty for me without her and I know she feels the same with me, because I can see it in her eyes how she deeply grieved a lot when all of her love ones slowly went their own separate ways and gradually left her side and disappear. It made her depressed and lonely, too.

"The morning clouds are gathering around and the streets are full of reflections. A traffic light and the moon still bright, people going in different directions. I've thought about why I'm here it's just too hard to explain. And here I am a soldier in the rain."

As I sit now in my lonely room recalling all my last short days with her I wont stop to contemplate or reflect about those sad and happy moments with her. Life is always not good. We have to learn from it. People always goes around and in opposite directions. People chose their own calling and eventually leave their previous places. Life evolves and so people aged. Life is too short and we have to make the most of it. But I still reflect what's my purpose here on earth and why I have my mom as my mother. And it's really hard to fathom the meaning of life unless we have to learn from what we've done, which is our success and our mistakes. Adversities makes us stronger and tough to face life's challenges. Life is a mirror of our inner self and a good teacher of our own beliefs and principles. We chose our own life and we make our own destiny.

And as for me, even though I'm lonely without my mom now, I know she's always around and never leave me alone. I know she is happy with what I've achieved and I owe my life to her. Thanks for your unconditional love for me mom and I love you so so much that I couldn't repay everything you have done and offered for me and expressed any words of gratitude but with my unconditional love for you it will never cease. I know we have our own dark moments but you helped me go through it and we forgot all about our own differences and continue living in harmony and with so much love. And I know someday we will be one again and I just couldn't wait for that happy moment.

I love you and I will always remember you in everything I do. You always have a place in my lonely heart. Thank you for everything and for what you've done. My deepest appreciation and gratitude for all your unconditional love and understanding, and above all for your acceptance for what I am. Until we meet again, my dear mother....