Dilemma

I promised before that I won't blog negatively. That I will think of happy and funny things. But I couldn't help it. I really felt right now that the world is against me.

Why I said this? I don't know..... but it is heart wrenching to know that there are a lot of people who spoke ill will about me not to mention that some of them were so close to me.

I know that I am a person who in one way or the other won't try to step on somebody's weaknesses no matter what the circumstances are. It is okay that I can be stepped upon but not the one who will take advantage on anyone. But I felt that I am so unfortunate to be the object of scrutiny lately.

I received a call yesterday from my other big sister blaming me that I was the one who caused my mom's death. Why I should be blamed? She told me, because I didn't pay any attention at my mom's hospitalization and just decided to let her suffer on her last days. I told her that I don't understand what she was saying and that I was confused about it.

I really can't believe why she said that to me despite of the fact that I went home to take care of everything and had investigated what really had happened to my mom why she became ill so suddenly. And that I suspected and found out that my sister was behind this and of everything that had happened. I didn't even blamed her for what had happened to mom as what my investigations had proved.

Now she had a knack to call me and wash her hands off despite of all the information I gathered which pointed all the blame at her. I had the feeling that the root of all these was about money and inheritance. Damn those money and inheritance, and my mom's life couldn't be back anymore.

But despite of all the information I got she hadn't heard any single word from me blaming her and now she has the right to call me and tell me that I was to be blamed. Damn her ingrate ass! I trusted her with everything... and now she blamed me with all of these? She's so ungrateful and had crossed the line greatly.

Honestly, I have issues with my big sister at home but despite of how grave it was it never occured to me that she blamed me for what had happened to her life and to mom. I see to it that I helped all my siblings and gave them some money for them to start and put up their own business so that they can work on their life better.

But because I was wary for them to be so overly dependent on me I started cutting off my ties with them thinking that they will take care of the money I lend them to put up a business. And all I know they didn't took care of it instead squandered it until all the money were gone. Then all my assumptions were right.

Now she blamed me that I was the cause why their life was miserable and in turmoil because I left them behind. I refused to admit what she charged me but thinking about what she said I really felt guilty about what had happened to them and for intervening with their life.

Now it seems that I feel that the world is really against me. That in all my goodness that I offered to them I'm still the one getting blamed of what they've been doing to their life. I regretted helping them in the first place.

Am I really the one to be blamed about their fate? Am I that really vain to cause havoc to them? I know my intentions to help them uplift their depressing life situation was genuine and true. But is it really right for me to intervene in the first place? Had I left them alone and continue them living in a depressing state I won't probably forgive myself. And I don't deserve getting blamed on whatever they became after I helped them and all my efforts was nothing to them.

Now, I am living alone in Los Angeles with all my siblings turning their back against me. They made some talks and spread some stories around my hometown against me and how selfish and bad I am as a brother and that I am dying here of a debilitating disease. I was so angered about what they did to me but all I can do is to just keep quiet and continue surviving against all those bad rumors and not to get affected by it.

I know I am a strong person and I will survive this challenge in my life. It's just sad to know that my immediate family turned their back at me. Berating me and crumbled my dignity into pieces. Now I felt so alone and depress thinking that I have to give them up and continue bridging and living my life in order to survive.

Now I have to tend to myself and prove to them that they were wrong and that I can live without them. I won't pay any grudge at them and will just ignore whatever charges they throw at me. I won't be bitter at them for what they have done to me instead I will accept it as a challenge to forge on with my life.

I will just consider this as a bad dream and hope that someday when I woke up from this very bad dream everything will be okay and fixed. But it seems that it will not come into fruition. For I know my siblings and how angered they are of me. But may be I am wrong this time.

I hope time will just heal whatever had happened to us, and will continue to live my life happily and contentedly. In this way I can prove them wrong and will show to them that I can still continue my life without them.

Sometimes it is better to gave up and sever my ties with my family and friends in order to live a peaceful and fulfilled life, although I am not approved to it, but in my situation I have to because they have literally abandoned and forsaken me already.

Life is so lonely for me without my family but I have to swallow everything they throw at me and continue living my life my own way.

And I hope I can't correct a mistake with another mistake.